A new report finds that 59% of Millennial women want to move into leadership roles. But the news isn’t all good: of the survey respondents with these career ambitions, 90% menstruate. In fact, two-thirds of those who experience “that time of the month” do so practically every single month.

“I was responsible for one of our most successful advertising campaigns,” said Katie Aarons, a senior marketing associate at a creative agency. “Thanks to my efforts alone, revenue increased 20% in the last quarter compared with Q3 in 2020. But I also forgot to change my tampon for 13 hours once, and I spent approximately eight minutes and 13 seconds of company time deep-diving TSS symptoms.”

Lilly Smith agrees. “I’ve dreamed of founding my own startup for years, and I’ve been working on a really solid pitch deck,” she said. “At the same time, I eat, like, ten thousand bags of Smartfood a day when the flow is super heavy.” Smith added that she has tried to switch to Skinny Pop, but “it’s just not the same level of greasy.”

Concerns about women who are sometimes in heat moving into leadership roles are not concentrated to the employee level. Managers, too, worry about the implications of promoting employees who experience Code Red once a month.

“Take Carrie Shield,” said Richard Finn, CEO of a major software development firm. “She’s one of our brightest, most hardworking developers on staff. Recently, she came to me, asking to throw her hat in the ring for the new manager opening. Normally, someone like her would be a shoo-in. But you’ve got to look at the big picture. What if, say, we had an executive retreat at a beach, and the sharks got a whiff of her?”

“This is a twofold issue,” Finn elaborated. “First, Carrie used three out of 10 allotted sick days last year. Were they because of PMS? I don’t know. We’re not allowed to ask. But I can hazard a strong ‘maybe.’ Second, we recently invested in white chairs for our main boardroom, and I’d hate to see them ruined.”

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

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BALTIMORE, MD— Have you ever noticed that cats are often the most punctual animals when it comes to feeding time? Well, a new study from Johns Hopkins University reveals that cats know exactly when it’s owner is late for a mealtime, thanks in part to the presence of teenie-tiny, little watches located inside their empty tummies. 

The study all started by chance, according to Dr. Purrzalot, the head felinologist on the report. “I started to hear a peculiar tick-tock noise coming from the lab cat’s big belly a few minutes past lunch time. I picked him up like the little baby he is and put him directly under the microscope. Sure enough, after I zoomed in 378 times, there it was — an actual ticking clock inside his itty bitty teeny wittle tiny tummy telling him that it was time for me to serve him food.” 

Researchers from the study are suggesting that all cat owners take heed when feeding their feline friends from now on. It is vital that they are fed on time, because if they are fed even a moment past their feeding time they could very well become slightly annoyed. Dr. Purrzalot further recommends just getting a dog instead. 

Isabella Quiros

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UNIVERSITY PARK, PA– A new study conducted by the Department of Sociology at Penn State has found that simply texting the word “STOP” can be an effective way to unsubscribe not only from marketing texts, but also friendships. These findings could prove invaluable to millions who report unwanted frequent communication from the people in their lives. The results of the study, which consisted of 80 participants, suggest that replying to a friend’s text with a “STOP” message has a 72% chance of immediately destroying the relationship. In some instances, the initial “STOP” text was misinterpreted as a joke, or the recipient sought to open up a discussion regarding the startling curtness of the message. The study authors reported that in these cases, sending the “STOP” message several additional times was usually sufficient for complete friendship termination.

In the few outliers where the “STOP” message was unsuccessful in ceasing contact with its recipients, researchers hypothesized that capitalization may have been a factor. Some study participants failed to adhere to the all-caps guideline.

In a follow-up study, scientists are now investigating whether shouting “STOP” in-person while someone is talking may be an even more permanent solution for removing annoying people from social circles. Trials are ongoing.

Gregory Virgin

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TALLAHASSEE, FL– A new study conducted by the Anthro-Oceanography and Marine Sociology Department at Florida State University has determined on Tuesday that every time someone sees the ocean for the first time someone else sees it for their last. “The vastness of the sea, for a person who has never witnessed it before, will absolutely take their breath away. What we’re learning though is, that for others, that breath never comes back,” graduate student Melissa Clearwater explained about her lab’s latest findings adding, “All of us at the lab couldn’t be happier with the sadness of our findings.” The new report cites examples of children joyously splashing around in the warm waters of the Atlantic while, simultaneously, a surfer in the Pacific is consumed by the current and drowns to death. In other instances it was found that while someone laughs at the beauty of the ocean, someone else not far away is balling their eyes out after having their glasses swept away by a wave. After presenting her research, Clearwater concluded, “There’s something almost poetic about all of this. Human lives, much like the ocean’s tides, exist in cycles…except, you know, the ocean will be around forever.” Our most recent report from Clearwater’s lab has confirmed that the entire facility has been devastated by a tsunami.

Zachary Decker

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PHILADELPHIA- A double-blind taste test conducted at The Kennel Club of Philadelphia’s National Dog Show last November has revealed that Chocolate Labs have remained the Nation’s best tasting dog for the twenty-sixth year in a row. “I don’t know what it is about them but their taste is sublime. The first year I tasted them in 1993 I knew that nothing could ever top them and I had to give my life over to them,” gushed Chocolate Lab breeder and connoisseur Alan Kibblesmith. The taste of Chocolate Labs is inexplicable because their flavor is so much more delicious than their differently colored littermates who share matching DNA. “Some dogs smell delicious like Fritos but those aren’t the best tasting dogs,” he explains. “A great-tasting dog might not smell the best but when those earthy smokey notes hit your tastebuds, you know that you have a quality Chocolate Lab in your mouth.” At press time, a shocked Kibblesmith issued the following statement: “Chocolate Labs in no way taste like Chocolate. To think they would is shocking and upsetting. They taste so much better because they taste like dogs.”

Damien Wendy

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