SOUTH PHILADELPHIA – After days of grueling work protecting a statue of Christopher Columbus that stands at Marconi Plaza, the local Italian-American community are taking a much needed vacation to the Jersey Shore, and they’re taking the statue with them. Tony Ampione, a self-proclaimed Italian heritage defender and representative of those standing guard, detailed, “it’s been a hard few days hanging out, drinking, and threatening people that don’t look like me but it’s been great to see all of my cop buddies and talk about who’s bringing what down Wildwood this weekend.” When asked about the decision to bring the statue with them on the beach trip Ampione answered, “well how else are we gonna keep these liberal gabagools from messin’ wit it?  Plus, I just found out dis Chris guy’s Italian, so he’s part of the family, paesano! Why wouldn’t he come down the shore wit us?” As the statue of Christopher Columbus was loaded into a car headed for The Wildwoods, the so-called “liberal gabagools” in the area could be seen congratulating each other for successfully removing another symbol of colonization in America; those defending the statue mistook the cheering for resentful cries.

UPDATE: After a long weekend of heavy drinking it has been reported that the statue of Christopher Columbus stumbled off the boardwalk into the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Zachary Decker

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