PHILADELPHIA– Brian Hodel stared at a woman in the grocery line without interruption for a whopping thirty-eight seconds yesterday. This would officially mark his longest-held relationship with a human woman, edging out his most recent affair with the lady he accidentally brushed hands with at the post office. 

Though bystanders later recounted that Brian’s girlfriend almost never returned eye contact, nor did she enter the store with him or seem to acknowledge his presence with more than a frown, Brian maintained that the relationship was equal parts real and “hot.” Brian assured reporters, “She would probably say there were breaks in the relationship and at times she was looking for something outside of what we had, but I was always committed to her no matter what.”

When asked for advice on how to make a relationship go the distance, Brian admitted that it wasn’t always easy, “At times there will be challenges, like the store employees asking you to step forward and stop holding up the line, but you can’t listen to anything other than your gut.” Although this romance had to come to an end, The Satirer learned that Brian had quickly moved on, later being spotted in the parking lot being physical with a security guard. 

Ryan Barkauskas

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