In what is shaping up to be a life-changing revelation, it turns out that salad dressing you are about to pour all over your two-day-old take out is, in fact, squeezable! Yes, you read that right, don’t waste anymore time violently shaking and aggressively banging that bottle. Just put that salad dressing in your grubby little mitts and give it a good hard squeeze. Now your microwaved leftovers are swimming in the good stuff, and look, you didn’t even break a sweat.

Is that a high-pressured nozzle too? You bet your stained shirt it is! Whether you’re in dire need of drenching your pizza in ranch or smothering your chicken fingers in honey mustard, you’ll always hit your target, even if you can’t be bothered to pay attention to where you’re aiming.

Look, eating is about catatonic efficiency, and your salad dressing gets that. Finally you can stuff your face while watching a thirteenth consecutive episode of Love Island without having to savor a single moment of the experience. Hell, with all this extra time on your hands, maybe you’ll even wind up squeezing some of that salad dressing on a salad!

Zachary Decker

The post Incredible: This Salad Dressing Bottle Is Squeezable appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.