sports Archives - The Philadelphia Satirer https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/tag/sports/ Committed to dispensable journalism Wed, 09 Dec 2020 23:50:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.2.2 https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cropped-PS_logo_512_trans-32x32.png sports Archives - The Philadelphia Satirer https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/tag/sports/ 32 32 Philadelphia 76ers NBA Off-Season Rumors https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/2020/04/09/philadelphia-76ers-nba-off-season-rumors/ Fri, 10 Apr 2020 02:30:00 +0000 https://philadelphiasatirer.com/?p=7 PHILADELPHIA — The following rumors have been heard regarding the Philadelphia 76ers during the prolonged National Basketball Association (NBA) offseason: Acquiring 56-year-old former Chicago Bulls star…

The post Philadelphia 76ers NBA Off-Season Rumors appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

]]> PHILADELPHIA — The following rumors have been heard regarding the Philadelphia 76ers during the prolonged National Basketball Association (NBA) offseason:

  • Acquiring 56-year-old former Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan with a five-year contract at $1.00 USD per year
    • Only contract restriction, by his request, will be that he is required to play in his Major League Baseball (MLB) Birmingham Barons uniform
  • Talks are taking place regarding three major trades, and one minor trade:
    • The Liberty Bell for 34-year-old power forward Lebron James
    • The Rocky statue for 28-year-old forward Kawhi Leonard
    • The “LOVE” sculpture for 31-year-old guard Stephen Curry
    • A chicken cheesesteak with lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, and pickles for 29-year-old Klay Thompson, at the request of Stephen Curry
  • Head coach Brett Brown will be replaced by 44-year-old former Philadelphia 76er star guard Allen Iverson who plans to discontinue practice
  • The team is to be renamed from the “Philadelphia 76ers” to the “Delaware 69ers” as it is relocated to avoid the City of Philadelphia Wage Tax.
    • Future home games will no longer take place at the Wells Fargo Center. Subsequently, the “Wells Fargo Center” will be renamed “Gritty’s Lair” as the Philadelphia Flyers will be the sole organization using the venue

The post Philadelphia 76ers NBA Off-Season Rumors appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

]]>