PHILADELPHIA- A spider who was sucked into a vacuum two months ago, is now plotting his captor’s death. Big Jeffery, as he’s known in the joint, was a young wolf spider with a bright future until it was stolen from him. “This dude didn’t mind me when I was hanging out in the corner behind the toilet. One day, though, I wanted to see what his foot felt like so I touched it and he screamed. He came back with the vacuum and I’ve been locked up since. When I get out of here this guy is DEAD.” Big Jeffery has survived and grown to an impressive size because this particular homeowner has a tendency to solve all insect-related problems by sucking them up, unintentionally creating a steady food supply for Jeffery. “This guy thought he got rid of me forever when he put me in here, but I’m the living breathing heart of this vacuum now. I spend everyday training and I’ve been bench-pressing a nickel that showed up one day to make my legs stronger.” Big Jeffery wouldn’t say how he intended to kill his mortal enemy, but he did say that he planned to escape while the dust collector was being emptied. The homeowner nervously declined comment on the situation but was later seen throwing the vacuum out of a second-story window.

Damien Wendy

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