ATLANTA — Asserting yet again that COVID-19 spreads primarily through respiratory droplets, the CDC begged Americans to stop sneezing up into the air so their friends could run through high-speed snot drizzle like a broken fire hydrant’s spray on a humid summer day in the city. “Look, arguing with a Trader Joe’s employee about having to wear your mask the whole time you’re shopping is one thing but this shit is extra dumb,” explained CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield, before threatening that he’ll flood the Internet – even the porn sites, if he has too – with boring public service announcements if the trend doesn’t stop immediately. “Can’t you goofs just go back to selling essential oils instead of pretending to be a mucus diffuser? I mean goddamn.” After the press conference, the CDC immediately started another public relations campaign to warn Americans about the dangers of performing anilingus on strangers because “you all just can’t keep your fluids to yourself, can you?”

Mark Manning

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