PHILADELPHIA- The Kimmel Center has announced its 2022-2023 line up, and theatergoers across the city have been aroused by the news that Franklin will be making its international debut. Describing the musical as “all the eroticism of 50 Shades of Grey meets the informative value of a three hour History Channel documentary,” lyricist Harry Hancock believes the musical gives audiences what Hamilton was missing: the sexualization of one of America’s most beloved Founding Fathers. 

Hancock was first inspired after discovering the entire Wattpad catalog of Hamilton fanfiction. Clearly, there was a demand for eroticism within the setting of Colonial America. When conceiving the plot, Hancock turned to America’s most historically accurate horndog, Benjamin Franklin. After reading a single biography, Hancock was prepared to rewrite history. Not only would this Franklin be woke, but also sex positive.

With composer Cyn-Annabelle Atlanta, the pair were prepared to create a masterpiece that would stimulate the mind in various ways. With many twists and turns, audiences may forget what’s true and what was added to make an 18th century historical figure woke enough for modern audiences. “One minute Ben’s rapping passages from Poor Richard’s Almanac and the next he’s pole dancing on a printing press,” said Atlanta when asked what audiences could expect of the debut production.

Some critics have raised concerns that a focus on objectification could overlook more problematic areas of the Founding Father’s life. Hancock’s response: “Sure it is factually correct that Benjamin Franklin owned at least two slaves during his lifetime, but mentioning that might be a turn-off from the finale: an orgy-esque signing of the Constitution. We’re here to electrocute some hearts and groins, not unpack the problematic political-economic conditions of Early America.”

While the cast for Franklin has not been announced, critics have speculated one city native has edged out the competition to perform the titular role in the city of Step-Brotherly love. 

Evie Klein

The post It’s Like Hamilton But Hornier: New Musical About Benjamin Franklin to Open at Kimmel Center appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – “Oh fuck, what did I get into last night?” stammered freshman Brayden Colby Lunsford as he woke up next to an unexpected lump under his bedsheets. 

Tearing off the covers, Lunsford quickly discovered an unfamiliar stack of books. “Oh no, what did I study last night? I needed a kilo to get me through the semester, not…” he muttered as he examined the cover. “Not Women’s Voices Feminist Visions: Classic and Contemporary Readings? What? How did this get here?” 

Lunsford sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands to mentally retrace his steps. “Ok so I meant to go to the rager at Delta Sig, but the last thing I remember was leaving ECON 201 around 7 p.m. with Trey and then we walked to the…oh my god! We went to the library to study!” 

Frantically, Lunsford moved to his desk to open his laptop. “I started a study guide? But it’s still syllabus week. That’s the last time I hang out with Trey, man. I completely spaced on the party.” Lunsford ruffled through his discarded chinos to find a receipt from the campus bookstore, timestamped at 9:52 p.m. “Goddamnit, I needed that money to hook the Delta Sig guys up with some more blow. How am I going to explain to Father I need more money when it’s just the first week of classes?”

Lunsford opened his internet browser to google “ways to make money fast” but instead found himself reading an article on Headspace.com about the benefits of being in a flow state. As he developed a deeper understanding of how being immersed in a challenging task one enjoys can warp one’s perception of time, he wondered aloud, “I still don’t understand what went wrong last night. Better make an appointment with a librarian to find a good book that can help me learn more about this flow state.”

“Oh god – what am I doing? I need to work out, shower, and then go to that dayger with Stacie!” Lunsford exclaimed.

Desperate to feel cooler before getting ready, Lunsford started cutting out the middle of Understanding Our Universe to hide his dwindling drug supply until he accidentally started reading and contemplating his place in the cosmos.

Mark Manning

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