PHILADELPHIA– A new auditor’s report conducted at Big Fat Large Company reveals that employees working within the Human Resources department do absolutely nothing during working hours, reaching just about everyone’s expectations for what they are capable of. 

“The report was ordered after hearing multiple serious allegations that members of our HR team have not actually been working during work hours–or any hours for that matter,” the CEO shared in a pre-recorded Zoom meeting that was later leaked on TikTok. “Even worse, when I arrived at the department to discuss the matter, I was shocked to find that googly-eyed cardboard cutouts had replaced their cold-blooded bodies at each of their cubicles,” he further shared with the rest of the unsurprised company. 

The report has been sent to Big Fat Large Company’s parent company, Super Big Fat Large Inc., for further investigation however it is unlikely anything will change because, well, who wants to get HR involved in anything anyways? When pressed for comment by the Satirer, Big Fat Large Company disclosed that the auditor’s report was originally issued by its own HR department.

Isabella Quiros

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PHILADELPHIA – A new report from the city of brotherly love details that Eagles PPE masks used to protect you from COVID-19 will not in fact protect you from a punch thrown by a Dallas Cowboys fan. The bulk of data was gathered last Wednesday by U.S. Postal Service field worker Shawn Givens, who was delivering a package to known Cowboys fan Will Bryant. “I was suited up for battle with my Eagles mask on,” details Mailman Givens. “I knocked on Will’s door and asked when his lame-ass was getting a mask to show his love for them limp-dick Cowboys. Next thing I know he was coming down the steps swinging.” Givens suffered a broken nose in the fracas and had to be taken to Jefferson Hospital for concussion testing. “I was feeling pretty invincible, like nothing could get me wearing my Eagles mask, but it didn’t protect me from getting my nose broke. I’m beginning to wonder if these masks will really protect people from the ‘rona,” mused a defeated Givens from his hospital bed. At press time, the U.S. Postal Service cautioned against being a blatant asshole to fans of rival sports teams until more data on masks is gathered.

Damien Wendy

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