HARRISBURG, PA – The Pennsylvania Fish & Boat Commission is reporting that the recent Coronavirus quarantine coupled with the Spring Crab Fry breeding season has lead to a massive overpopulation of the delicious little critters. “For centuries humans have lived in a natural rhythm with the Crab Fry population, harvesting the fries when they are most readily available and preventing overpopulation events of this scale from happening. Now due to the quarantine, no one is allowed to reap the bounty of the waves. It’s sad as hell right now seeing 90% of the Crab Fry traps stacked on the docks instead of where they should be, on the bottom of the ocean harvesting fries,” detailed Fish & Boat Commission spokesman Tom Schwabb. 

Philadelphia folklore purports that the start of the Major League Baseball season was scheduled to coincide with the start of the Crab Fry fishing season, which begins in late March. “You won’t hear this in Ken Burn’s ‘Baseball,’ but some even say the game of baseball was invented as a vehicle to feed folks more Crab Fries,” intimated Schwabb. “I don’t think there’s ever been such a low Crab Fry consumption rate in recorded human history. Nobody knows what to do with them.” When it was suggested that people could consume Crab Fries in their homes, Schwabb lashed out with, “I don’t think so! People aren’t murderous sickos. Fries are meant to be eaten outdoors. In fact, there should be a law that makes it illegal to eat them anywhere but at a sporting event.” Crab Fries, which have no natural predators other than humans and squirrels who find them on sidewalks, will soon begin cannibalizing each other if they aren’t harvested soon suggested a shaken Schwabb.

Damien Wendy

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