DAYTON, OH– Prime Rib is an American delicacy, but not when you’re shitting your pants.

In a new promotion, Amazon sold discounted Prime Rib on their website. Local health officials announced as of Tuesday there were 2,853 recorded cases of E. Coli in the region. The FDA’s investigation found that the Prime Rib was left in a sweltering warehouse in Arizona for two weeks in preparation for Amazon Prime Rib Day, before this batch made its way on a truck to the Ohio Valley. FDA officials recommend that you do not eat steak that’s being sold for $2.99/lb.

Jeff Bezos released a statement this afternoon saying, “We promise our products are of the utmost quality. Every member of our Amazon Warehouse Team ate that Prime Rib and only 15% of workers reported feeling ill, fever, or vomiting, far below the regulatory 15.5% threshold. You can trust our meat.” 

Shockingly this has not affected Amazon’s surging stock price, as the market rewarded these brave shareholders for poisoning America. In a survey, the Amazon Prime customers who got sick reported they were satisfied with such a great deal on beef.

Matt Roskin

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