PHILADELPHIA– With the “hot vax” summer getting underway many folks have forgotten proper sex etiquette after not engaging in casual sex for over a year. “I looked at my phone pretty much every waking moment during quarantine so it’s hard to stop looking at it even during sex. How soon after sex is it chill to start looking at it again?” wondered Kensington resident Jay Deeley when we encountered him in our bed.

Mary McIntosh, from Planned Parenthood, has fielded hundreds of questions like Deeley’s. She advised: “Talk to your partner and see what they are comfortable with. Some people might even be cool with looking at phones during sex.”

The Satirer is advising that if someone goes into the bathroom after sex, it is ok to look at your phone because they are probably looking at theirs.

Damien Wendy

The post Local Man Wondering How Soon After Sex He’s Allowed To Start Looking At His Phone appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Notoriously friendless man Doug Patterson has been spotted looking at his phone repeatedly over a short period of time, prompting befuddlement from onlookers. When questioned regarding the nature of his phone use, Patterson told reporters that he was equally bewildered by his own behavior. “No one has texted me since I got this phone three years ago. I don’t know why I thought that today would be any different.” Patterson added that he was unsure if anyone even had his number. “I have the Find My Friends app, but no one ever seems to be looking for me.” Some townsfolk had initially speculated that he might be checking his phone for Instagram notifications, but Patterson confirmed that he has no virtual friends either.

At press time, rumors began circulating that Patterson had been spotted actually typing something on his phone. Given the impossibility of him sending a text message, several popular theories being floated online were that he was googling “how to make friends” or using the Notes app to make a grocery list.

We didn’t reach out for further comment from Patterson regarding this new development because he seemed like a loser when we met him earlier. Also, we never got his number.

Gregory Virgin

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