PHILADELPHIA- The Kimmel Center has announced its 2022-2023 line up, and theatergoers across the city have been aroused by the news that Franklin will be making its international debut. Describing the musical as “all the eroticism of 50 Shades of Grey meets the informative value of a three hour History Channel documentary,” lyricist Harry Hancock believes the musical gives audiences what Hamilton was missing: the sexualization of one of America’s most beloved Founding Fathers. 

Hancock was first inspired after discovering the entire Wattpad catalog of Hamilton fanfiction. Clearly, there was a demand for eroticism within the setting of Colonial America. When conceiving the plot, Hancock turned to America’s most historically accurate horndog, Benjamin Franklin. After reading a single biography, Hancock was prepared to rewrite history. Not only would this Franklin be woke, but also sex positive.

With composer Cyn-Annabelle Atlanta, the pair were prepared to create a masterpiece that would stimulate the mind in various ways. With many twists and turns, audiences may forget what’s true and what was added to make an 18th century historical figure woke enough for modern audiences. “One minute Ben’s rapping passages from Poor Richard’s Almanac and the next he’s pole dancing on a printing press,” said Atlanta when asked what audiences could expect of the debut production.

Some critics have raised concerns that a focus on objectification could overlook more problematic areas of the Founding Father’s life. Hancock’s response: “Sure it is factually correct that Benjamin Franklin owned at least two slaves during his lifetime, but mentioning that might be a turn-off from the finale: an orgy-esque signing of the Constitution. We’re here to electrocute some hearts and groins, not unpack the problematic political-economic conditions of Early America.”

While the cast for Franklin has not been announced, critics have speculated one city native has edged out the competition to perform the titular role in the city of Step-Brotherly love. 

Evie Klein

The post It’s Like Hamilton But Hornier: New Musical About Benjamin Franklin to Open at Kimmel Center appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

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PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

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You won’t let them walk around Old City yelling “Wow, so old!”

They’re scared of the dark.

Philadelphia has been rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America and they just don’t feel like they are mature enough yet to handle that.

They’re worried their Cowboys face tattoo will not be received well.

They grew up in Philly.

“I could just FaceTime you instead.”

Their mom said no.

Because of the goddamn fucking pandemic, stop making this about you Jesus Christ, man!

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Turn it into scrapple.

Pick out all the shiny stuff and let the Mummers wear it.

Rebuild Hitchbot. We owe him one.

Ask the guy at Magic Gardens if he wants any of it.

Add a little pepper, then a little yellow stuff and baddaboom! Cheesesteak, at your service.

Mail it to the dump.

Give our sanitation workers a raise!

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10. Out back in the alley by the dumpsters, Lady and the Tramp-style.

9. On the sidewalk that’s barely wide enough for a couple of slow-walkers side by side.

8. In the PPA garage next door. Hourly fees apply.

7. The “extended patio area” which is just a roped-off section of the street with the added excitement of cars narrowly avoiding your table while making wide turns.

6. On the back of the flatbed truck delivering the produce that’s still parked in a No Loading Zone.

5. On the flat tar roof that is now soft and bouncy from the heat. The views will be unobstructed as there are no railings in your way!

4. On the median on Washington Ave. Snag a spot before it’s used up for parking.

3. The vacant lot down the street where all those feral cats live. Don’t worry, they seem nice.

2. A romantic drift on the 100-ton barge slowly floating down the Schuylkill River.

1. In the safety of your own home where you can still support restaurants through take-out or delivery.

Irem Boz

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Several other eyewitnesses gathered to posit theories as to why the gentleman was urinating on the side of a building. “I never saw that guy around here before. I think he was new to the area and just trying to mark his territory,” said Miss Bea, the block captain. 

During Miss Bea’s interview, people started yelling that the urinator was emerging from an apartment rental office across the street. He fled on foot but The Satirer was able to catch up to him when he stopped to pee again. The young man, who wished to not be identified, explained that he was on his way to see an apartment and had drunk too much coffee with breakfast that morning. 

At press time, the urinator was seen shaking hands with his new neighbors.

Damien Wendy

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