ARDMORE, PA– Confounded by the discovery that he descends from what he describes as “Austrian peasant losers,” Robert Wagner, a resident of Ardmore, PA, spoke to reporters on Friday about the experience of realizing his origins. “When I started researching my family’s lineage, I thought I’d find out something cool, like that I was technically the Duke of York, but I’d been misplaced at birth or something like that,” said Wagner. “And then when I’d walk into the bar, the guys would all see me and be like, ‘Yo, Duke!’ ” Wagner’s lofty hopes, however, were shattered when he found out that he descends not from the English nobility but from the Austrian peasantry. “I can just picture my ancestors, like, milking cows while singing eerie folk tunes. I don’t understand how losers like that can be my relatives because I’m not like that at all. I make bank and listen to Drake, and I’ve never even seen a cow.” Wagner was most incredulous upon discovering that his ancestor Yanko Wagner had written in a letter that he’d been excited about the prospect of making three dollars a day working in America. “Excited about three dollars a day? Is that a joke? I make way more than that! What a loser!” At press time, Wagner was researching his Welsh ancestors on his mother’s side, but he’d unfortunately already discovered that they were “a bunch of wool merchant nobodies.”

Matthew Casey

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