TALLAHASSEE, FL– A new study conducted by the Anthro-Oceanography and Marine Sociology Department at Florida State University has determined on Tuesday that every time someone sees the ocean for the first time someone else sees it for their last. “The vastness of the sea, for a person who has never witnessed it before, will absolutely take their breath away. What we’re learning though is, that for others, that breath never comes back,” graduate student Melissa Clearwater explained about her lab’s latest findings adding, “All of us at the lab couldn’t be happier with the sadness of our findings.” The new report cites examples of children joyously splashing around in the warm waters of the Atlantic while, simultaneously, a surfer in the Pacific is consumed by the current and drowns to death. In other instances it was found that while someone laughs at the beauty of the ocean, someone else not far away is balling their eyes out after having their glasses swept away by a wave. After presenting her research, Clearwater concluded, “There’s something almost poetic about all of this. Human lives, much like the ocean’s tides, exist in cycles…except, you know, the ocean will be around forever.” Our most recent report from Clearwater’s lab has confirmed that the entire facility has been devastated by a tsunami.

Zachary Decker

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