NEW YORK CITY– The Statue of Liberty, the iconic symbol of American ideals which has never contained any phosphorescent properties, is set to be demolished to make way for a new and improved statue that glows in the dark. 

According to the Mayor, the plan to replace Lady Liberty with a glow-in-the-dark version cannot come at better timing, “she used to be shinny like a penny, but she’s all green and gross now” the Mayor said, “I figure if she’s going to be green, she may as well be glow-in-the-dark green which is cool and not gross.” 

Statue fans across the country agree that America’s most famous statue deserves to finally light up after so many years of not doing so.  According to a poll asking Americans why they are in favor of the change, the most popular answers include, “less boats crashing into the thing,” “would look interesting from the sky if you were a bird,” and “glow-in-the-dark makes me horny.” 

While the United States at large is excited for the improvements, the French, who gifted the statue to the U.S. in 1886, are demanding that the statue be returned.  The President of the United States responded in a press conference, “hell no, we’re going to scrap that trash and get a paycheck out of it.  I know a guy at the junkyard who will give me a real good price.” 

The new glow-in-the-dark Statue of Liberty is set to be unveiled as soon as someone strong enough comes forward to activate the glow-juice inside of it by cracking Lady Liberty in half.

Zachary Decker

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