WASHINGTON, D.C.– Our once great nation is under attack. 

This week it’s been reported that Joe Biden’s cabinet has failed to open a PowerPoint presentation with highly-classified information left by the previous administration for dealing with foriegn cyber attacks. 

The cabinet has spent hour after hour, day after day trying to get the file to open. Everytime they double click on the file, it just kind of freezes the computer for a few minutes, then tells them that their file is not supported on Windows Vista and that they will need to update their operating system.

Could this have been an attack from a foreign agent? Did Russia plant a spy to slow down the one 2008 Thinkpad laptop that the whole cabinet shares? 

The U.S. Director of Cybersecurity was flown in via military helicopter late last night to advise the Cabinet to try, “turning the laptop off, then back on again.” When that didn’t work, Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigeg drove over an ethernet cord to try connecting to the internet through the wall, but still no luck on opening this very important PowerPoint presentation.

Our best hope is that Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen’s grandson Joshua can help out the struggling Executive branch of our United States Government.

Matt Roskin

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