PHILADELPHIA– What started as a normal day soon turned chaotic for Dan “the Man” McSweeney. Dan, a local father of two and coach for the Grasshoppers Little League team, was at a screening of the new Marvel film Morbius before being asked to leave by the usher, creating a scene. 

On the incident, a witness who would like to remain anonymous said, “I was in the back row of the theater, there were maybe about three of us in the whole theater, when I heard a loud voice exclaim, ‘That’s Michael Keaton!’ It startled me the first time, but then the man kept announcing the name of every actor as they appeared on screen. At one point he even tried to argue that Russell Brand was Morbius.” 

When asked about the incident, Dan was eager to share his side of the story. “There are just so many people in Morbius that I had to let my kids know who was who. You have the best Batman, the worst Joker, and that British doctor. You know, the guy with the face. If it’s a crime to be able to recognize actors, then I’m the top criminal in this city.” The Satirer advises anyone who decides to take their father to a screening of Morbius to understand the risks. 

Brianna Benozich

The post Local Father Kicked Out Of Movie Theater For Loudly Identifying Every Actor appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

NEW YORK– Unwinding from their recent trials and tribulations and nothing more, a pair of movie characters, Jason Knox and Hamish Batie, were playing a game of chess for their own personal pleasure that did not serve as a microcosm of the main narrative conflict. “I’m really glad we could find some time to relax and do something wholly unrelated to everything we’ve been going through recently,” said Batie as he captured one of Knox’s last remaining pieces, which is in no way reflective of the current state of affairs of some broader struggle. “Also, just to clarify, I didn’t choose Black because it symbolizes which side of the moral dichotomy of good and evil I’m on but rather because I just so happen to prefer playing as Black.” At press time, Knox and Batie had gotten into a heated argument for the sole purpose of hashing some stuff out and not to signify the second act break.

Jeff Braun

The post Chess Game In Movie Not Microcosm Of Main Narrative Conflict, Characters Just Playing Chess Because It’s Fun appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look at this, a wonderful photo from the classic film, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964). Here he is hanging out with Santa Claus looking like a couple of cool cats. I should probably ask Jake about the file, since he was the one helping me out with the list. I think we had A Christmas Story up there at #2 right after this one. It had to be number two, right? I mean it’s hilarious and a classic. 

Look at that cutie! Didn’t you wish you had a Rudolph stuffed animal when you were a child? Wait, did I mean A Christmas Carol. I always get A Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story mixed up. A Christmas Carol has the ghosts, right? Jake tried explaining the difference to me and I immediately zoned out. I know they have completely different plots, but how can you have “A Christmas” in both titles and not run into those issues with branding?

Was Frosty the Snowman up there too? Honestly can’t remember now. Who even had the file on their computer? Was it Jake? Oh I bet it was Jake. Jake you big dumb idiot why didn’t you back it up to the Google drive? “Oh it’ll be fine, I’ll just carry it home on my flash drive,” said big idiot Jake. Well guess what Jake, you did that with Lisa and Mark’s wedding photos from last year and guess what, you lost THOSE TOO. Fucking idiot you are Jake. You know what, you don’t get to choose lunch on Wednesday.

Here is a nice photo of a reindeer playing in the snow. His name could be Rudolph, but probably not. Look, not gonna lie, this is the biggest fuck-up we’ve had since we lost that sticky note that had the nuclear launch codes. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year I guess. 

Oh wait… this is so embarrassing… sorry Jake… I found it in my jacket pocket. Turns out A Very Tony Soprano Christmas was #1, who would have guessed it!

Matt Roskin

The post We Ranked All The Best Christmas Movies, But The File Got Deleted, So Here’s A Few Pictures Of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Because We Think That Was #1 appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.