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Despite everything closing and relationships becoming strained, Philadelphians managed to figure out the best ways to stay safe during COVID while still remaining true to their roots. This is especially true for everyone’s love lives. Heartbreak is still very much alive in the City of Brotherly Love, and we came together to rank the best places to experience it in- all while observing CDC guidelines, of course. 

5. Rocky Steps

You’re “Gonna fly now” right into having a single girl summer at this iconic Art Museum spot. With the warmer weather and the tourists coming back out of the woodwork it’s becoming considerably less COVID-friendly than before, (so if you’re a person looking to initiate the breakup, we suggest you do it now) and you don’t need the slew of ice cream trucks to see you crying and begging them to stay. Bonus points if your ex’s name is Adrian, though.

4. Graffiti Pier

Before it becomes a public park, take advantage of Philly’s most-Instagrammed site by getting “It’s not you, it’s me”-d on the wharf overlooking the Delaware River Waterfront. Try to make sure to stay as socially distanced as possible from the influencers doing their photo-shoots nearby and the Temple sororities shooting their recruitment videos, but so long as you don’t get in the background of their shot you should probably be okay. 

3. Closed Continental

Stephen Starr’s flagship restaurant closing signaled the end of an era- and now you can too by getting emotionally crushed outside the empty Continental in Old City! You may struggle to be heard over the chaos of Market Street and the soon-to-be bustling again Franklin Fountain up the street, but you also struggled to be heard by your significant other your whole relationship anyway so shouldn’t make much of a difference. 

2. Squirrel Eating SEPTA Token Mural

What better way to symbolize leaving the past behind and moving toward the future than by getting left in front of this bold art installation on the 2200 block of North Hancock. We all miss the vintage thrill of carrying SEPTA tokens the same way that you will surely miss your ex for months to follow, and the beady little eyes of the squirrel watching you will serve as a chilling reminder of that. 

1. XFinity Live

If the mechanical bull inside Philly’s peak center of debauchery can survive this past year on his own, you can too. While it’s still closed due to state regulations, getting dumped in front of the currently abandoned sports complex where dignity goes to die is without a doubt the most fitting place to also experience the death of your relationship. 

Liz Wiest

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Market/Frankford Lime

Septa Splash

Vegan Cherry

Fresh Air

Corn Syrup

Cough Drop

American Cheese

Scrapple Dapple Do

Brake Fluid

Sand

Carlos Santana

Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast

Combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell

Water

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1. Swallow an iPod Nano playing Let’s Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas on loop, rendering any footage taken during the procedure unusable due to DMCA violations

2. Neglect going to the practice colonoscopy beforehand

3. Hide your cancer in your appendix, they’ll never find it there!

4. Form a human centipede with yourself thereby blocking all ports of entry

5. Right before the proctologist inserts the scope announce, “Annnnd…..ACTION!”

6. Wear the wrong shoes

7. Swallow an AirPod and have a buddy call it to ask the doc how the ‘oscopy is going

8. Stick a can of snakes up there

9. Ask, “Is this a you-do-me-then-I-do-you kind of a thing?”

10. Use Deepfake technology on your butthole, meanwhile you’re sippin’ Mai Tai’s in Cabo

11. Don’t have health insurance

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Gaslight scented candle

Podcasting mic

A Reddit premium account

Cryptocurrency For Dummies

A job at Barstool Sports

An inspirational poster that says “I know you are, but what am I?”

A Chrome extension that adds “Well, actually” before any reply on a woman’s post

Coupons for a liquor store teenagers hang out in front of

Urethra wide mouth nozzle to spray urine on the toilet seat

Binoculars

A kick in the groin

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Look at this, a wonderful photo from the classic film, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964). Here he is hanging out with Santa Claus looking like a couple of cool cats. I should probably ask Jake about the file, since he was the one helping me out with the list. I think we had A Christmas Story up there at #2 right after this one. It had to be number two, right? I mean it’s hilarious and a classic. 

Look at that cutie! Didn’t you wish you had a Rudolph stuffed animal when you were a child? Wait, did I mean A Christmas Carol. I always get A Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story mixed up. A Christmas Carol has the ghosts, right? Jake tried explaining the difference to me and I immediately zoned out. I know they have completely different plots, but how can you have “A Christmas” in both titles and not run into those issues with branding?

Was Frosty the Snowman up there too? Honestly can’t remember now. Who even had the file on their computer? Was it Jake? Oh I bet it was Jake. Jake you big dumb idiot why didn’t you back it up to the Google drive? “Oh it’ll be fine, I’ll just carry it home on my flash drive,” said big idiot Jake. Well guess what Jake, you did that with Lisa and Mark’s wedding photos from last year and guess what, you lost THOSE TOO. Fucking idiot you are Jake. You know what, you don’t get to choose lunch on Wednesday.

Here is a nice photo of a reindeer playing in the snow. His name could be Rudolph, but probably not. Look, not gonna lie, this is the biggest fuck-up we’ve had since we lost that sticky note that had the nuclear launch codes. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year I guess. 

Oh wait… this is so embarrassing… sorry Jake… I found it in my jacket pocket. Turns out A Very Tony Soprano Christmas was #1, who would have guessed it!

Matt Roskin

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Turn it into scrapple.

Pick out all the shiny stuff and let the Mummers wear it.

Rebuild Hitchbot. We owe him one.

Ask the guy at Magic Gardens if he wants any of it.

Add a little pepper, then a little yellow stuff and baddaboom! Cheesesteak, at your service.

Mail it to the dump.

Give our sanitation workers a raise!

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Download DuoLingo and learn their newest course, “How to Speak in Tongues.”

Start all of your work emails with “Dear Heavenly Father” from here on out.

Don’t pay your taxes- just like a real church.

Listen to “Faith” by George Michael on repeat. Congratulations, He is now your God. 

Buy DMT from the Dark Web. You will see Gods you never knew existed. 

Step away from anal and go back to missionary for a while. 

Masturbate in public to be sure someone’s still always watching.

Find a big ol’ pipe organ and let it rip baby!

Ask your doctor if Prozac is right for you.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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• They’re talking about their friends from middle school more.
• Even you are tired of seeing your baby photos.
• They only wish you happy birthday through Facebook.
• They’ve been seen using Facebook alone in their car at 2 a.m. in a McDonald’s parking lot.
• Their eyes are red after getting their fix.
• Ben Shapiro commented on their latest post with “too far.”
• They’re hacking an election.
• They’re on Facebook.

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For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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