Juice Box Archives - The Philadelphia Satirer https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/tag/juice-box/ Committed to dispensable journalism Mon, 13 Jul 2020 00:43:26 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.2.2 https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cropped-PS_logo_512_trans-32x32.png Juice Box Archives - The Philadelphia Satirer https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/tag/juice-box/ 32 32 Child Sommelier Suggests Pairing Strawberry-Kiwi Juice Box With Corn Dog https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/2020/07/12/child-sommelier-suggests-pairing-strawberry-kiwi-juice-box-with-corn-dog/ Mon, 13 Jul 2020 00:43:25 +0000 https://philadelphiasatirer.com/?p=243 Recently certified child sommelier Nathan Roberts debuted at Oceanside Elementary earlier this week as part of the school district’s plan to enhance school lunches.

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Photoshop by Mike Paulshock

LAGUNA BEACH, CA – Recently certified child sommelier Nathan Roberts debuted at Oceanside Elementary earlier this week as part of the school district’s plan to enhance school lunches. “Now your palette leans chocolate-y, yes? So I’m going to go bold and recommend the tacos paired with Country Time Lemonade. Our ground beef is locally sourced and this order has more of a malty palate than usual. We also have home brewed sparkling lemonade if powder-sourced beverages aren’t suitable,” Roberts advised Helena Prughe. 

As the first-grade lunch rush wound down, Roberts explained that school roles like line leader or safety patrol never suited his passions. “Thankfully my family vacations on the south of France, so I picked up the certificate this past July.” He leaned in and whispered, “You didn’t hear it from me, but they can’t make a good grape juice to save their life over there.” As the second graders filed in, Roberts approached Ms. Nguyen’s class table. “Now, Elizabeth, I know the metallic aftertaste of the Capri Suns bothers you, so our head chef concocted a house blend with notes of strawberry and kiwi that pair best with our 100% Kosher boutique corn dogs. The kindergarteners all left with rave reviews on their bright red lips.”

Returning to class to avoid the rowdy fifth graders, Roberts sidestepped over Prughe’s lemonade-scented vomit while muttering, “reminds me of France.”

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