So, your Nonno just died and you can’t wrap your head around why your younger brother got the Summer house in Cape May and all you got in the will was a moldy tomato?  Well, what if you found out that moldy tomato isn’t just any tomato, but an heirloom tomato that has been in your family for six generations?  The mold makes sense now, huh?

Well, your great-great-great grandmother, Nonna Celeste, grew that tomato in her garden in Sicily to give to your great-great-great grandfather, Nonno Angelo, before he got on the boat headed for South Philly, one-hundred years ago.

The story goes that Nonno Angelo held onto that tomato to serve as motivation for him to work hard and make enough money to get great-great-great Nonna Celeste to America faster so he could eat her famous gravy sooner.

I think it’s a sweet story, but your Uncle Vinny says it’s a dirty joke.

That tomato has been passed down to the oldest son in the family ever since to serve as a reminder that hard work pays off when you’re doing it for the ones you love, and now you’re holding it, so be grateful ya goomba!

Yeah, it’s almost completely mold now, but truth be told, it was moldy like eight days in and no one ever complained.  Just put it in a Ziploc bag and stick it in the freezer, that’s all your Nonno ever did with it. Also, if it makes you feel any better, the Cape May house is pretty moldy too, so you kind of dodged a bullet.

Zachary Decker

The post Heirloom Tomato Getting Pretty Moldy After Being Passed Down From Generation to Generation appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA – After days of grueling work protecting a statue of Christopher Columbus that stands at Marconi Plaza, the local Italian-American community are taking a much needed vacation to the Jersey Shore, and they’re taking the statue with them. Tony Ampione, a self-proclaimed Italian heritage defender and representative of those standing guard, detailed, “it’s been a hard few days hanging out, drinking, and threatening people that don’t look like me but it’s been great to see all of my cop buddies and talk about who’s bringing what down Wildwood this weekend.” When asked about the decision to bring the statue with them on the beach trip Ampione answered, “well how else are we gonna keep these liberal gabagools from messin’ wit it?  Plus, I just found out dis Chris guy’s Italian, so he’s part of the family, paesano! Why wouldn’t he come down the shore wit us?” As the statue of Christopher Columbus was loaded into a car headed for The Wildwoods, the so-called “liberal gabagools” in the area could be seen congratulating each other for successfully removing another symbol of colonization in America; those defending the statue mistook the cheering for resentful cries.

UPDATE: After a long weekend of heavy drinking it has been reported that the statue of Christopher Columbus stumbled off the boardwalk into the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Zachary Decker

The post South Philly Italians Bring Christopher Columbus Statue Down The Shore For Much Needed Vacation appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.