Haunted Archives - The Philadelphia Satirer https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/tag/haunted/ Committed to dispensable journalism Tue, 27 Oct 2020 00:54:37 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.2.2 https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cropped-PS_logo_512_trans-32x32.png Haunted Archives - The Philadelphia Satirer https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/tag/haunted/ 32 32 How To Turn Your Haunted House Into A Haunted Home https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/2020/10/26/how-to-turn-your-haunted-house-into-a-haunted-home/ Tue, 27 Oct 2020 00:54:35 +0000 https://philadelphiasatirer.com/?p=470 Spooky ghost Marybeth Williams has been haunting the same house since she died of tuberculosis in 1789, but she still has some unfinished business to…

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Photoshop by Mike Paulshock

Spooky ghost Marybeth Williams has been haunting the same house since she died of tuberculosis in 1789, but she still has some unfinished business to attend to. As new tenants move in, Williams is determined to transform her haunted house into a haunted home. “I never really paid much attention to all the cobwebs and drafty windows as a younger, more restless spirit, but now that I’m older I’m ready to settle down and make a home I can lay myself down to rest in.” 

Williams, who has never kept an occupant in the haunted house for more than a few months before scaring them off, is eager to haunt the newest homeowners, newlyweds Matthew and Rebecca Horowitz, just enough to breathe some new life into the once-charming Victorian townhome. “They seem like a really sweet couple. I’m sure a few well-placed eerie creaks will drive the two of them mad enough to put down some new flooring,” Williams explained of her remodeling plans. “I could even try slamming the cabinets open and closed dramatically every night until they get so freaked out they have to get the kitchen updated. I bet flicking the lights on and off a threatening amount would get some modern energy-efficient appliances installed in there finally too.” 

At press time, Marybeth Williams could be seen working out in a fully-equipped home gym converted after the Horowitz’ were inexplicably trapped in their creepy basement during a haunting that lasted long enough to terrify the couple into an interest in fitness. When asked if they had experienced any paranormal activity during their renovations, the Horowitz’ responded, “the only thing scary about being a new homeowner is the cost of all the repairs.”

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