PHILADELPHIA– On a recent Sunday afternoon, Gilbert Sok was seen wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hard hat as he drunkenly made his way into Lincoln Financial Field. “I fuckin love the Eagles man, but I don’t want to die for them. That’s why I wear this helmet when I come to games,” emoted Sok. Eagles hard hats are common among those working in the building trades where OSHA compliance is a must, Sok however works as a cashier at the Wawa on Richmond Street. He knocked on his battle-scarred hard hat and reflected, “This baby keeps all my brains in my skully. Once, I’m pretty sure a Cowboys fan hit me in the head with an axe, or maybe it was my sister because I ate all her pickles. I was pretty drunk but my helmet saved me from a concussion.” Mr. Sok feels that all fans should wear “helmets” so they can headbutt each other safely after touchdowns. At press time, he was considering investing in a pair of Eagles boxing gloves to protect his hands when he fights other fans on the Broad Street Line after games.

Damien Wendy

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