For too long, outdated traditions have forced you to choose between trick OR treat, but this Halloween you’re finally going to manifest everything you deserve and not settle for anything less than a trick AND treat. First, you’ll have to ditch the masks, make-up, wigs, and fake blood you’ve been hiding behind. That’s right– this year you’re going out as yourself, what’s scarier than that?

Dressing up as yourself on Halloween will give you the confidence you’ll need to get what’s owed to you, so leave your costume at home and get those tricks and treats. When you march up to your neighbor’s door this Halloween, you’re not going to give them a choice. You’re going to demand a trick AND a treat. While you’re at it, have them smell your feet too. This will surely assert that you mean business and you won’t be taking no for an answer.

Should anyone still insist on making you choose between the two despite your non-negotiable stance, don’t let them think that you care. Simply pull down their underwear. That should clear things up for them.

Let this Halloween be the first of many that you’re completely in control of, loading up on tricks and treats and anything else you want. And don’t forget, Halloween doesn’t have to only be on October 31st, you’re the boss now.  

Zachary Decker

The post Trick AND Treat: How You Can Have It All This Halloween appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Spooky ghost Marybeth Williams has been haunting the same house since she died of tuberculosis in 1789, but she still has some unfinished business to attend to. As new tenants move in, Williams is determined to transform her haunted house into a haunted home. “I never really paid much attention to all the cobwebs and drafty windows as a younger, more restless spirit, but now that I’m older I’m ready to settle down and make a home I can lay myself down to rest in.” 

Williams, who has never kept an occupant in the haunted house for more than a few months before scaring them off, is eager to haunt the newest homeowners, newlyweds Matthew and Rebecca Horowitz, just enough to breathe some new life into the once-charming Victorian townhome. “They seem like a really sweet couple. I’m sure a few well-placed eerie creaks will drive the two of them mad enough to put down some new flooring,” Williams explained of her remodeling plans. “I could even try slamming the cabinets open and closed dramatically every night until they get so freaked out they have to get the kitchen updated. I bet flicking the lights on and off a threatening amount would get some modern energy-efficient appliances installed in there finally too.” 

At press time, Marybeth Williams could be seen working out in a fully-equipped home gym converted after the Horowitz’ were inexplicably trapped in their creepy basement during a haunting that lasted long enough to terrify the couple into an interest in fitness. When asked if they had experienced any paranormal activity during their renovations, the Horowitz’ responded, “the only thing scary about being a new homeowner is the cost of all the repairs.”

Zachary Decker

The post How To Turn Your Haunted House Into A Haunted Home appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Mattress without a bed frame

Disappointing spice rack

Swiffer WetJet

Scrapple

The classic “8-Pairs-Of-Shoes-Taped-To-Shirt-And-Pants” monster

Shower mildew

Cat vomit, I think

Take all of your small houseplants out of their pots. Put the roots and soil into your pockets. I’m not sure if this is a costume- I just wanted to see what it looked like.

A copy of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne my coworker let me borrow

Divorce papers

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post Halloween Costume Ideas Using Things You Find Around The House appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.