PHILADELPHIA– Franklin is once again feeling the pressure of working in a city alongside two of the most iconic mascots in professional sports. “He threatened to light himself on fire in a Chickie’s and Pete’s bathroom when Gritty debuted back in September of 2018. Luckily his fur is flame retardant and several patrons pinned him to the ground and sang him Aerosmith songs until he felt better,” said Franklin’s mother and owner Mary Rexall. This time around, Franklin seems very upset that Ben Simmons is going to be traded and DM’ed the Phanatic some really dark shit. “Franklin and Ben had this tradition they would do every Tuesday morning: they would each get a Santucci’s original pizza and dump a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish cat food on it,” detailed Rexall. Rexall is asking fans to send Franklin videos of themselves eating this special treat to help him get through this tough time. Also, if Franklin’s favorite singer Steven Tyler is reading this, it might be cool if you sent The Satirer some $$$ so we can produce a few high-quality pizza videos to cheer Franklin up.

Damien Wendy

The post How Can We Help? The 76ers Mascot Franklin Is Talking About Hurting Himself Again appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – The Philadelphia Flyers held a press conference Sunday night to reveal that every single player on the team is a giant orange muppet-gone-wrong masquerading as a human person.

“It’s time the fans knew the truth,” said right wing Jakub Voracek, who tore off his flesh mask and explained that his luxurious ginger beard was actually just a result of the disguise not fitting over his Gritty fuzz.

“You really think a human man could grow this?” he asked local sports reporter Ben Spark, causing him to faint.

Captain Claude Giroux explained that the team debuted the mascot version of themselves in 2018 to see how fans would react to the second weirdest-looking orange creature in the mid-Atlantic region after the current occupant of the White House. 

Despite the overwhelming support, the players didn’t feel ready to come out as their true selves until nearly two years later.

The Philadelphia Phillies have announced they would also hold a press conference to address rumors that they are all Phanatics in response to a leaked photo of shirtless right fielder Bryce Harper sporting vivid green chest hair.

Sophie Panzer

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