PHILADELPHIA– “This entire city is an amazing fan base for my all-time favorite band, The Eagles,” explained out-of-towner Jason Rath, after visiting Philadelphia for the first time. 

“I was at a bar and suddenly this perfectly coordinated chant about the band broke out. Finally, an entire city that shares my appreciation for the songwriting mastery of Don Henley and Glenn Frey,” explained Rath, who said he’s been trying to start chants about the band The Eagles for years in his hometown Dallas but never received much interest. 

Rath was also shocked to see so much new band memorabilia across the city. “People have bumper stickers and flags for the band on their front doors. Rock on! I must’ve missed that tour,” said Rath, pointing to a shirt that said ‘Eagles Champions 2018.’

“Strangely, the city tends to praise the band only on Sundays, probably because listening to their music makes them feel closer to God like it does for me.”

Reflecting on the chant’s lyrics, Rath stated, “The best part is when they chant about the band’s incredible singing skills with ‘Hit ‘em low notes, hit ‘em high notes.’”

“They must’ve been tired of chanting by the end of the night because no one joined in on my Hotel California chant– ‘H-O-T-E-L C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A Hotel California!’”

Russ Bizaro

The post “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” Shouts Man Thinking Everyone’s Chanting About The Band appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– On a recent Sunday afternoon, Gilbert Sok was seen wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hard hat as he drunkenly made his way into Lincoln Financial Field. “I fuckin love the Eagles man, but I don’t want to die for them. That’s why I wear this helmet when I come to games,” emoted Sok. Eagles hard hats are common among those working in the building trades where OSHA compliance is a must, Sok however works as a cashier at the Wawa on Richmond Street. He knocked on his battle-scarred hard hat and reflected, “This baby keeps all my brains in my skully. Once, I’m pretty sure a Cowboys fan hit me in the head with an axe, or maybe it was my sister because I ate all her pickles. I was pretty drunk but my helmet saved me from a concussion.” Mr. Sok feels that all fans should wear “helmets” so they can headbutt each other safely after touchdowns. At press time, he was considering investing in a pair of Eagles boxing gloves to protect his hands when he fights other fans on the Broad Street Line after games.

Damien Wendy

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