PHILADELPHIA – The Philadelphia Flyers held a press conference Sunday night to reveal that every single player on the team is a giant orange muppet-gone-wrong masquerading as a human person.

“It’s time the fans knew the truth,” said right wing Jakub Voracek, who tore off his flesh mask and explained that his luxurious ginger beard was actually just a result of the disguise not fitting over his Gritty fuzz.

“You really think a human man could grow this?” he asked local sports reporter Ben Spark, causing him to faint.

Captain Claude Giroux explained that the team debuted the mascot version of themselves in 2018 to see how fans would react to the second weirdest-looking orange creature in the mid-Atlantic region after the current occupant of the White House. 

Despite the overwhelming support, the players didn’t feel ready to come out as their true selves until nearly two years later.

The Philadelphia Phillies have announced they would also hold a press conference to address rumors that they are all Phanatics in response to a leaked photo of shirtless right fielder Bryce Harper sporting vivid green chest hair.

Sophie Panzer

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