WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the worst recession since the great elf-strike of ‘64 ravages the Land Of Make Believe, the Tooth Fairy told citizens in a statement last Tuesday that she will begin collecting fingernails in addition to teeth to soften the effects of the crash. 

“As you all know, our magical way of life is powered by the mortal world’s belief in us; however, the current trend in hopelessness that humans are facing has threatened our whimsical world. That is why starting immediately we will begin utilizing our reserve energy supply that comes from the refinery of human epidermal deposits,” the press release detailed, continuing, “our human teeth reservoir is not at a place that can sustain our otherworldly lifestyle for long, but luckily humans have fingernails that they seem to dispose of all the time and they’re just as good as teeth, and I know how to get them.” 

The Tooth Fairy will not be working alone in this bold undertaking. The Easter Bunny, who will be making a rare second appearance this year, will spearhead a campaign to market carrot consumption in promotion of healthy fingernail growth. 

The Tooth Fairy’s plan to collect fingernails alongside human teeth appears to be polling well amongst other fairytale creatures, with the Leprechaun community pledging to funnel its gold supply into the resource exchange. 

Even those who are seemingly against this new tactic are reserved in their hesitation. Cupid commented, “I wasn’t in love with the idea, but I couldn’t think of anywhere else to aim my arrow for a solution.”

As the operation began, the Satirer could not find a human to comment, presumably due to an increase in chewed phalanges on those with a conscience confronting a multitude of atrocities in the mortal realm.

Zachary Decker

The post Down And Out Tooth Fairy Taking Fingernails Now Too appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.