Let’s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven’t lived there in 6 years. Your racist uncle makes some comments about how the supermarket is too liberal nowadays. You need an out. By following these simple steps you can summon the dark power of the Coor’s Light Train to make your grand escape. 

Step 1 – 72 hours in advance you need to begin ceremonial chants to summon the dark elf Trakas Quelathra, who will appear to you in a dream on the eve of the Christmas party. These chants must happen on the hour, every hour leading up to the event. To find the cursed scrolls that bear the writings you must search the cave of terrors deep in the Rocky Mountains.

Step 2 – Alas! It’s time to distract your family. Using a series of well-placed, and well-timed whoopie cushions under your great aunt’s chairs, you can successfully divert the party’s attention to the hilarious comedy ensuing.

Step 3 – Now that the plan is in place, there is only one more thing you’ll do. Summon the Coor’s Light Train. To do this, you’ll need every uncle in your party to be holding a cold refreshing Coor’s light can. Then simply prompt one uncle to say, “Wow, this beer sure is as cold as the Rocky’s.” Then, and only then will you hear the faint sound of Love Train filling the air.

Step 4 – Click-ity Clack, Click-ity Clack. She’s approaching. A chill runs up your spine as you can see your breath, faintly… The mighty, majestic Coor’s Light Train is here. As silver as a new stainless steel refrigerator. As cold as the winters of the Rocky Mountains. SCREECH. The train pulls into the family room, destroying the house. Bricks and glass fly everywhere. Your sisters, brothers, and cousins all wince at the bright shining light of the Coor’s Light Train. Your poor grandmother shivers as snow begins to fall. How did the snow get into the living room? There’s no time for questions.  “ALL ABOARD,” shouts the conductor. You step on. You clear the closing doors as it whisks you away. Go find your seat amongst the other evil sons and daughters who have fled their christmas parties. Your grand escape, complete, but your nightmare, just begun.

Matt Roskin

The post How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor’s Light Train appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– One Fishtown family wanted to show a little extra respect to the tree that had brightened their home this holiday season, so they covered it with a sheet like a dead body after discarding it on the curb. “She was just such a good tree. We loved her but she died. It was like we held a beautiful wake for her in our living room the entire month of December. My mom said we couldn’t buy her a coffin so I thought a sheet might work well to preserve her dignity,” said 6-year-old Laney Draper. As the family said goodbye, dozens of their neighbors’ unshrouded trees lay strewn on the cold sidewalk.

Passer-by Jeremy Ridley added, “This is my first Christmas in the city and I wasn’t sure where to put my dead tree. So, I buried mine in the backyard with it’s favorite ornament.”

Millions of Americans Celebrate Christmas with a live tree but aren’t really sure why. Six year old domestic goddess Laney Draper advised folks who were saddened by live Christmas trees, but didn’t know what else to do, to “think about stacking chairs in their living room next year and putting lights and ornaments on that pile. Or draw a picture of a beautiful tree that you tape to the wall.” Draper clarified not to draw the tree directly on the wall “because you might get sent to your room for that.”

Damien Wendy

The post Family Respectfully Covers Discarded Xmas Tree With A Sheet Like A Dead Body appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.