PHILADELPHIA– According to multiple sources, the Philadelphia Eagles’ 2018 Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots is now an event that occured an even longer time ago than previously reported. Sources say that due to the continuing passage of time, this big game will continue to slide down the mountain of the past as we ourselves get older. “2018 is already four years ago,” one source familiar with how time works said. “Before we know it, it’ll be 2028. That would be a full decade since the Philly Special. That February night will be but a distant memory.” At the time of publishing, multiple Philadelphians were pulling together their money to fund research on halting time itself to make themselves a little less sad.

Ryan O'Connell

The post Uh-Oh: Eagles’ Super Bowl Win Now Even Further In The Past appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– “This entire city is an amazing fan base for my all-time favorite band, The Eagles,” explained out-of-towner Jason Rath, after visiting Philadelphia for the first time. 

“I was at a bar and suddenly this perfectly coordinated chant about the band broke out. Finally, an entire city that shares my appreciation for the songwriting mastery of Don Henley and Glenn Frey,” explained Rath, who said he’s been trying to start chants about the band The Eagles for years in his hometown Dallas but never received much interest. 

Rath was also shocked to see so much new band memorabilia across the city. “People have bumper stickers and flags for the band on their front doors. Rock on! I must’ve missed that tour,” said Rath, pointing to a shirt that said ‘Eagles Champions 2018.’

“Strangely, the city tends to praise the band only on Sundays, probably because listening to their music makes them feel closer to God like it does for me.”

Reflecting on the chant’s lyrics, Rath stated, “The best part is when they chant about the band’s incredible singing skills with ‘Hit ‘em low notes, hit ‘em high notes.’”

“They must’ve been tired of chanting by the end of the night because no one joined in on my Hotel California chant– ‘H-O-T-E-L C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A Hotel California!’”

Russ Bizaro

The post “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” Shouts Man Thinking Everyone’s Chanting About The Band appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– On a recent Sunday afternoon, Gilbert Sok was seen wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hard hat as he drunkenly made his way into Lincoln Financial Field. “I fuckin love the Eagles man, but I don’t want to die for them. That’s why I wear this helmet when I come to games,” emoted Sok. Eagles hard hats are common among those working in the building trades where OSHA compliance is a must, Sok however works as a cashier at the Wawa on Richmond Street. He knocked on his battle-scarred hard hat and reflected, “This baby keeps all my brains in my skully. Once, I’m pretty sure a Cowboys fan hit me in the head with an axe, or maybe it was my sister because I ate all her pickles. I was pretty drunk but my helmet saved me from a concussion.” Mr. Sok feels that all fans should wear “helmets” so they can headbutt each other safely after touchdowns. At press time, he was considering investing in a pair of Eagles boxing gloves to protect his hands when he fights other fans on the Broad Street Line after games.

Damien Wendy

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PHILADELPHIA – A new report from the city of brotherly love details that Eagles PPE masks used to protect you from COVID-19 will not in fact protect you from a punch thrown by a Dallas Cowboys fan. The bulk of data was gathered last Wednesday by U.S. Postal Service field worker Shawn Givens, who was delivering a package to known Cowboys fan Will Bryant. “I was suited up for battle with my Eagles mask on,” details Mailman Givens. “I knocked on Will’s door and asked when his lame-ass was getting a mask to show his love for them limp-dick Cowboys. Next thing I know he was coming down the steps swinging.” Givens suffered a broken nose in the fracas and had to be taken to Jefferson Hospital for concussion testing. “I was feeling pretty invincible, like nothing could get me wearing my Eagles mask, but it didn’t protect me from getting my nose broke. I’m beginning to wonder if these masks will really protect people from the ‘rona,” mused a defeated Givens from his hospital bed. At press time, the U.S. Postal Service cautioned against being a blatant asshole to fans of rival sports teams until more data on masks is gathered.

Damien Wendy

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