PHILADELPHIA– Defending his statements even though no one said anything about it, neighbor Steve Hilford clarified on Wednesday that although he finds one of the local dogs handsome, it’s not in a sexual way. “I think he’s just so cute, but not in that way,” explained Hilford, adding that although the dog has beautiful eyes, he wouldn’t want to gaze into them over dinner at his favorite restaurant. “He’s got really healthy looking teeth, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to kiss him while we watch Netflix or anything. And even though he has the most adorable paws, I would never imagine sliding a ring onto one of them after getting down on one knee and saying, ‘Bingo, will you marry me?’ “ Hilford added that although he is man’s best friend, he can’t see them becoming more than that. When asked for comment, the dog said, “sorry pal but I don’t swing that way.”

Russ Bizaro

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PHILADELPHIA- A double-blind taste test conducted at The Kennel Club of Philadelphia’s National Dog Show last November has revealed that Chocolate Labs have remained the Nation’s best tasting dog for the twenty-sixth year in a row. “I don’t know what it is about them but their taste is sublime. The first year I tasted them in 1993 I knew that nothing could ever top them and I had to give my life over to them,” gushed Chocolate Lab breeder and connoisseur Alan Kibblesmith. The taste of Chocolate Labs is inexplicable because their flavor is so much more delicious than their differently colored littermates who share matching DNA. “Some dogs smell delicious like Fritos but those aren’t the best tasting dogs,” he explains. “A great-tasting dog might not smell the best but when those earthy smokey notes hit your tastebuds, you know that you have a quality Chocolate Lab in your mouth.” At press time, a shocked Kibblesmith issued the following statement: “Chocolate Labs in no way taste like Chocolate. To think they would is shocking and upsetting. They taste so much better because they taste like dogs.”

Damien Wendy

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BLUE BELL, PA – Family dog and all around good boy, Rex the retriever, lost the coveted title of “Golden” after a devastating loss in a game of fetch last Tuesday. “Rex was always first to the tennis ball anytime I’d throw it, but it’s looking like his reign as top dog is coming to an end,” explained Billy Hugo, Rex’s owner and best friend, adding, “until he can reclaim first place, he’ll have to be called a Silvered retriever.”

The game of fetch reached a shocking climax when the neighbor’s chihuahua came out of nowhere to grab the tennis ball just before the retriever could get to it. “I’ve never heard of a Golden chihuahua before but he got to the tennis ball first fair and square,” observed Lawrence Riverton, the neighbor and chihuahua owner. Riverton added, “I’m a proud pet parent. He’s definitely getting an extra treat tonight, maybe I’ll even take him for a ride in the car.” The rematch is scheduled for the next time Rex whines at the back door to be let out. The Golden chihuahua is nervous about defending his title, citing a squirrel in a nearby tree as being a possible distraction.     

Zachary Decker

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