PHILADELPHIA– The search for six missing day-drinkers continues at Independence Beer Garden today after last evening’s fatal oversized-Jenga collapse that left at least two dead.  After what started as an ordinary Center City Sips event, including countless craft beers and bag toss, tragedy struck when a game of oversized-Jenga collapsed onto a group of freshmen finance majors.  “It all happened so fast,” Hunter Brillopad, a Sips patron, recalled, “all of a sudden this epic Jenga game my boys had going on just came crashing down on everyone, it was not chill.” 

There have been two confirmed deaths related to the incident and it is believed that six more bros are missing amongst the rubble.  Of the six, all have been reported to be wearing pastel-colored button ups with sleeves rolled to the elbow, Dockers shorts with little embroidered flamingo or anchor details, and Sperrys. 

As emergency personnel tirelessly continue their efforts to find the missing persons, the City is gearing up for an onslaught of legal activity after being told that each of the victim’s dads are high-profile lawyers.  One such lawyer, Bradley Wiltshire, had this to say, “I’ve gotten my son out of bigger messes than a pile of jumbo-sized Jenga blocks, like that hazing incident at the fraternity or vehicular manslaughter charge.  I’ll see you in court, tough guy.” 

As a community mourns the loss of their drinking buddies and a City searches for answers in the aftermath of a devastating tragedy, one ray of hope remains clear, the entire incident was captured on video and went viral on Barstool. 

Zachary Decker

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PHILADELPHIA– One Fishtown family wanted to show a little extra respect to the tree that had brightened their home this holiday season, so they covered it with a sheet like a dead body after discarding it on the curb. “She was just such a good tree. We loved her but she died. It was like we held a beautiful wake for her in our living room the entire month of December. My mom said we couldn’t buy her a coffin so I thought a sheet might work well to preserve her dignity,” said 6-year-old Laney Draper. As the family said goodbye, dozens of their neighbors’ unshrouded trees lay strewn on the cold sidewalk.

Passer-by Jeremy Ridley added, “This is my first Christmas in the city and I wasn’t sure where to put my dead tree. So, I buried mine in the backyard with it’s favorite ornament.”

Millions of Americans Celebrate Christmas with a live tree but aren’t really sure why. Six year old domestic goddess Laney Draper advised folks who were saddened by live Christmas trees, but didn’t know what else to do, to “think about stacking chairs in their living room next year and putting lights and ornaments on that pile. Or draw a picture of a beautiful tree that you tape to the wall.” Draper clarified not to draw the tree directly on the wall “because you might get sent to your room for that.”

Damien Wendy

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PHILADELPHIA- A spider who was sucked into a vacuum two months ago, is now plotting his captor’s death. Big Jeffery, as he’s known in the joint, was a young wolf spider with a bright future until it was stolen from him. “This dude didn’t mind me when I was hanging out in the corner behind the toilet. One day, though, I wanted to see what his foot felt like so I touched it and he screamed. He came back with the vacuum and I’ve been locked up since. When I get out of here this guy is DEAD.” Big Jeffery has survived and grown to an impressive size because this particular homeowner has a tendency to solve all insect-related problems by sucking them up, unintentionally creating a steady food supply for Jeffery. “This guy thought he got rid of me forever when he put me in here, but I’m the living breathing heart of this vacuum now. I spend everyday training and I’ve been bench-pressing a nickel that showed up one day to make my legs stronger.” Big Jeffery wouldn’t say how he intended to kill his mortal enemy, but he did say that he planned to escape while the dust collector was being emptied. The homeowner nervously declined comment on the situation but was later seen throwing the vacuum out of a second-story window.

Damien Wendy

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