PHILADELPHIA – A CVS near Center City has been abruptly reorganized and locals are baffled as to why. No official reason has been given for the change, which features all of the aisles now running perpendicular to their old directions. The back of the store has become the front of the store and the front is now the back. Shelves that once brimmed full of Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, and Twinkies now house prophylactics. Aisle 12b, a long-time destination for shoppers in search of amusing and/or sentimental Hallmark greeting cards, has been replaced with the deadbolted glass case of razor blades.

Some in the media have speculated that the redesign could be an effort to increase efficiency. Regular store patron Kent Wallner disagrees with this assessment, however. Wallner recently lost eighteen minutes of his life in what was supposed to be a routine purchase of odor-destroying insoles. A protracted expedition was required after he discovered that the former location of foot care products had been usurped by numerous eight-pound bags of charcoal briquettes.

Customers unnerved by the changes may find comfort in knowing that certain aspects of the CVS experience remain the same. As has been true since the company’s founding in 1963, there is still only one register open.

Gregory Virgin

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