Let’s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven’t lived there in 6 years. Your racist uncle makes some comments about how the supermarket is too liberal nowadays. You need an out. By following these simple steps you can summon the dark power of the Coor’s Light Train to make your grand escape. 

Step 1 – 72 hours in advance you need to begin ceremonial chants to summon the dark elf Trakas Quelathra, who will appear to you in a dream on the eve of the Christmas party. These chants must happen on the hour, every hour leading up to the event. To find the cursed scrolls that bear the writings you must search the cave of terrors deep in the Rocky Mountains.

Step 2 – Alas! It’s time to distract your family. Using a series of well-placed, and well-timed whoopie cushions under your great aunt’s chairs, you can successfully divert the party’s attention to the hilarious comedy ensuing.

Step 3 – Now that the plan is in place, there is only one more thing you’ll do. Summon the Coor’s Light Train. To do this, you’ll need every uncle in your party to be holding a cold refreshing Coor’s light can. Then simply prompt one uncle to say, “Wow, this beer sure is as cold as the Rocky’s.” Then, and only then will you hear the faint sound of Love Train filling the air.

Step 4 – Click-ity Clack, Click-ity Clack. She’s approaching. A chill runs up your spine as you can see your breath, faintly… The mighty, majestic Coor’s Light Train is here. As silver as a new stainless steel refrigerator. As cold as the winters of the Rocky Mountains. SCREECH. The train pulls into the family room, destroying the house. Bricks and glass fly everywhere. Your sisters, brothers, and cousins all wince at the bright shining light of the Coor’s Light Train. Your poor grandmother shivers as snow begins to fall. How did the snow get into the living room? There’s no time for questions.  “ALL ABOARD,” shouts the conductor. You step on. You clear the closing doors as it whisks you away. Go find your seat amongst the other evil sons and daughters who have fled their christmas parties. Your grand escape, complete, but your nightmare, just begun.

Matt Roskin

The post How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor’s Light Train appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.