TOLEDO, OH – The marquee panel discussion at this year’s Association of Romantic Novelists and Romance Enthusiasts Convention surprised attendees with the results of a decades-long clandestine research project about the best way to describe women’s nether regions. “We’re thrilled to have finally settled on a word to accurately represent one’s womanhood,” shared Ernest Hastings, who recently received criticism for using “clam bake” to describe a woman-woman sex scene in his latest novel Ocean of My Love. “For years, we’ve received feedback that phrases such as ‘pearly secrets,’ ‘slick heat,’ and ‘moistened depths’ took readers out of the throes of passionate story making – but no more!” 

Speaking after the panel, the Association of Romantic Novelists Education Coordinator, Neal Pearson, divulged, “We’re launching an education campaign to get male writers to adopt the new phrasing, post-haste!” Pearson, who achieved fame as the first author to describe eyes as “alluring orb balls” in his bestselling book Women Who Want Me, can’t wait to tackle other issues facing the romance novel enthusiasts’ community. Premier among those issues? Updating the Association of Romantic Novelists’ pamphlet, ‘Ways to Say Sex is Happening,’ by replacing the phrases “he thrust himself into her,” “rose up to meet her womanhood,” and “the age-old dance of knocking boots.” 

At press time, Kara McBride, the sole female attendee, expressed confusion that the convention felt the need to even announce that the word “vagina” was appropriate to use in literature in the first place.

Mark Manning

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