Let’s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven’t lived there in 6 years. Your racist uncle makes some comments about how the supermarket is too liberal nowadays. You need an out. By following these simple steps you can summon the dark power of the Coor’s Light Train to make your grand escape. 

Step 1 – 72 hours in advance you need to begin ceremonial chants to summon the dark elf Trakas Quelathra, who will appear to you in a dream on the eve of the Christmas party. These chants must happen on the hour, every hour leading up to the event. To find the cursed scrolls that bear the writings you must search the cave of terrors deep in the Rocky Mountains.

Step 2 – Alas! It’s time to distract your family. Using a series of well-placed, and well-timed whoopie cushions under your great aunt’s chairs, you can successfully divert the party’s attention to the hilarious comedy ensuing.

Step 3 – Now that the plan is in place, there is only one more thing you’ll do. Summon the Coor’s Light Train. To do this, you’ll need every uncle in your party to be holding a cold refreshing Coor’s light can. Then simply prompt one uncle to say, “Wow, this beer sure is as cold as the Rocky’s.” Then, and only then will you hear the faint sound of Love Train filling the air.

Step 4 – Click-ity Clack, Click-ity Clack. She’s approaching. A chill runs up your spine as you can see your breath, faintly… The mighty, majestic Coor’s Light Train is here. As silver as a new stainless steel refrigerator. As cold as the winters of the Rocky Mountains. SCREECH. The train pulls into the family room, destroying the house. Bricks and glass fly everywhere. Your sisters, brothers, and cousins all wince at the bright shining light of the Coor’s Light Train. Your poor grandmother shivers as snow begins to fall. How did the snow get into the living room? There’s no time for questions.  “ALL ABOARD,” shouts the conductor. You step on. You clear the closing doors as it whisks you away. Go find your seat amongst the other evil sons and daughters who have fled their christmas parties. Your grand escape, complete, but your nightmare, just begun.

Matt Roskin

The post How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor’s Light Train appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– One Fishtown family wanted to show a little extra respect to the tree that had brightened their home this holiday season, so they covered it with a sheet like a dead body after discarding it on the curb. “She was just such a good tree. We loved her but she died. It was like we held a beautiful wake for her in our living room the entire month of December. My mom said we couldn’t buy her a coffin so I thought a sheet might work well to preserve her dignity,” said 6-year-old Laney Draper. As the family said goodbye, dozens of their neighbors’ unshrouded trees lay strewn on the cold sidewalk.

Passer-by Jeremy Ridley added, “This is my first Christmas in the city and I wasn’t sure where to put my dead tree. So, I buried mine in the backyard with it’s favorite ornament.”

Millions of Americans Celebrate Christmas with a live tree but aren’t really sure why. Six year old domestic goddess Laney Draper advised folks who were saddened by live Christmas trees, but didn’t know what else to do, to “think about stacking chairs in their living room next year and putting lights and ornaments on that pile. Or draw a picture of a beautiful tree that you tape to the wall.” Draper clarified not to draw the tree directly on the wall “because you might get sent to your room for that.”

Damien Wendy

The post Family Respectfully Covers Discarded Xmas Tree With A Sheet Like A Dead Body appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look at this, a wonderful photo from the classic film, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964). Here he is hanging out with Santa Claus looking like a couple of cool cats. I should probably ask Jake about the file, since he was the one helping me out with the list. I think we had A Christmas Story up there at #2 right after this one. It had to be number two, right? I mean it’s hilarious and a classic. 

Look at that cutie! Didn’t you wish you had a Rudolph stuffed animal when you were a child? Wait, did I mean A Christmas Carol. I always get A Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story mixed up. A Christmas Carol has the ghosts, right? Jake tried explaining the difference to me and I immediately zoned out. I know they have completely different plots, but how can you have “A Christmas” in both titles and not run into those issues with branding?

Was Frosty the Snowman up there too? Honestly can’t remember now. Who even had the file on their computer? Was it Jake? Oh I bet it was Jake. Jake you big dumb idiot why didn’t you back it up to the Google drive? “Oh it’ll be fine, I’ll just carry it home on my flash drive,” said big idiot Jake. Well guess what Jake, you did that with Lisa and Mark’s wedding photos from last year and guess what, you lost THOSE TOO. Fucking idiot you are Jake. You know what, you don’t get to choose lunch on Wednesday.

Here is a nice photo of a reindeer playing in the snow. His name could be Rudolph, but probably not. Look, not gonna lie, this is the biggest fuck-up we’ve had since we lost that sticky note that had the nuclear launch codes. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year I guess. 

Oh wait… this is so embarrassing… sorry Jake… I found it in my jacket pocket. Turns out A Very Tony Soprano Christmas was #1, who would have guessed it!

Matt Roskin

The post We Ranked All The Best Christmas Movies, But The File Got Deleted, So Here’s A Few Pictures Of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Because We Think That Was #1 appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.