ATLANTA, GA– No need to buy more than one can of cranberry sauce this holiday season. The popular home remedy of “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” for COVID-19 prevention, popularized by the cranberry conspiracy group CranAnon, has been disproven by the CDC this week. In a press statement the CDC said, “There is no reason anyone, under any circumstance, should rub canned cranberry sauce over their raw nipples to prevent COVID-19. The virus is an airborne disease, and therefore cannot penetrate through the nipples. Nor will cranberry sauce, even with its viscous consistency, slow down the virus. Instead, we recommend you wear a mask in public and social distance.” This comes after many Americans have been seen shopping and dining without their shirts on, nipples completely covered in canned cranberry sauce. It is likely with this statement from the CDC that the general public will stop this practice. 

This is a tough blow to the canned cranberry industry. An Ocean Spray executive told the Philadelphia Satirer, “In an effort to pivot out of the nipple business, we have decided to develop our very own all-cranberry COVID-19 vaccine and believe we will have the science to back it up.”

Matt Roskin

The post CDC Confirms That “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” Is Not Good For COVID-19 Prevention appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

ATLANTA — Asserting yet again that COVID-19 spreads primarily through respiratory droplets, the CDC begged Americans to stop sneezing up into the air so their friends could run through high-speed snot drizzle like a broken fire hydrant’s spray on a humid summer day in the city. “Look, arguing with a Trader Joe’s employee about having to wear your mask the whole time you’re shopping is one thing but this shit is extra dumb,” explained CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield, before threatening that he’ll flood the Internet – even the porn sites, if he has too – with boring public service announcements if the trend doesn’t stop immediately. “Can’t you goofs just go back to selling essential oils instead of pretending to be a mucus diffuser? I mean goddamn.” After the press conference, the CDC immediately started another public relations campaign to warn Americans about the dangers of performing anilingus on strangers because “you all just can’t keep your fluids to yourself, can you?”

Mark Manning

The post CDC Asks Americans To Stop Running Through Sneeze Mist Like Sprinklers On A Hot Summer Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.