PHILADELPHIA– Notoriously friendless man Doug Patterson has been spotted looking at his phone repeatedly over a short period of time, prompting befuddlement from onlookers. When questioned regarding the nature of his phone use, Patterson told reporters that he was equally bewildered by his own behavior. “No one has texted me since I got this phone three years ago. I don’t know why I thought that today would be any different.” Patterson added that he was unsure if anyone even had his number. “I have the Find My Friends app, but no one ever seems to be looking for me.” Some townsfolk had initially speculated that he might be checking his phone for Instagram notifications, but Patterson confirmed that he has no virtual friends either.

At press time, rumors began circulating that Patterson had been spotted actually typing something on his phone. Given the impossibility of him sending a text message, several popular theories being floated online were that he was googling “how to make friends” or using the Notes app to make a grocery list.

We didn’t reach out for further comment from Patterson regarding this new development because he seemed like a loser when we met him earlier. Also, we never got his number.

Gregory Virgin

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