PHILADELPHIA- The Kimmel Center has announced its 2022-2023 line up, and theatergoers across the city have been aroused by the news that Franklin will be making its international debut. Describing the musical as “all the eroticism of 50 Shades of Grey meets the informative value of a three hour History Channel documentary,” lyricist Harry Hancock believes the musical gives audiences what Hamilton was missing: the sexualization of one of America’s most beloved Founding Fathers. 

Hancock was first inspired after discovering the entire Wattpad catalog of Hamilton fanfiction. Clearly, there was a demand for eroticism within the setting of Colonial America. When conceiving the plot, Hancock turned to America’s most historically accurate horndog, Benjamin Franklin. After reading a single biography, Hancock was prepared to rewrite history. Not only would this Franklin be woke, but also sex positive.

With composer Cyn-Annabelle Atlanta, the pair were prepared to create a masterpiece that would stimulate the mind in various ways. With many twists and turns, audiences may forget what’s true and what was added to make an 18th century historical figure woke enough for modern audiences. “One minute Ben’s rapping passages from Poor Richard’s Almanac and the next he’s pole dancing on a printing press,” said Atlanta when asked what audiences could expect of the debut production.

Some critics have raised concerns that a focus on objectification could overlook more problematic areas of the Founding Father’s life. Hancock’s response: “Sure it is factually correct that Benjamin Franklin owned at least two slaves during his lifetime, but mentioning that might be a turn-off from the finale: an orgy-esque signing of the Constitution. We’re here to electrocute some hearts and groins, not unpack the problematic political-economic conditions of Early America.”

While the cast for Franklin has not been announced, critics have speculated one city native has edged out the competition to perform the titular role in the city of Step-Brotherly love. 

The post It’s Like Hamilton But Hornier: New Musical About Benjamin Franklin to Open at Kimmel Center appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Calling all activists: 

The city is in dire need of help with its main bell, known to some as “the Liberty Bell.” We are asking people to sign this petition to raise awareness of what appears to be a massive crack that has formed. We’re not sure if any of the city’s leaders are yet aware of the damage, or if we’re the first people to notice, so please sign here so we can let the mayor know as soon as possible. Time is of the essence with these things.

I first noticed it when I was in the line to see the bell and I can’t be sure, but I think it got bigger as I was standing there. Based on my quick analysis, it’s definitely a fresh crack so it must’ve happened within the past week or so. My theory is that a group of teens did it as a way to commit vandalism. But they weren’t too smart because they left their names engraved on the back. So if anyone knows the whereabouts of the “Pass and Stow” gang, please reach out.

When I pointed out this new crack to the staff, several of the tour guides tried to tell me the bell’s crack has been there since February of 1846, but don’t believe them because it’s obviously a lie. There’s no way the city would leave such an important national treasure in total disrepair for this long. Do you think New York City would leave the Statue of Liberty up if its beautiful copper-brown exterior turned green in the rain? Absolutely not. Philly needs to get its act together. Just the other day I saw a tattered American flag that only had 13 stars on it. The last time I checked, the flag had 48! We have an image to hold up as a country.

You know what, I just had a totally unique idea. What if instead of fixing it, we leave the crack as it is and embrace it as a symbol for American resilience. But on the other hand it kinda looks like dog shit. 

Sign today and make your voices heard! We already have 1 signature.

The post Sign This Petition To Help The City Get Its Bell Fixed appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– According to multiple sources, the Philadelphia Eagles’ 2018 Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots is now an event that occured an even longer time ago than previously reported. Sources say that due to the continuing passage of time, this big game will continue to slide down the mountain of the past as we ourselves get older. “2018 is already four years ago,” one source familiar with how time works said. “Before we know it, it’ll be 2028. That would be a full decade since the Philly Special. That February night will be but a distant memory.” At the time of publishing, multiple Philadelphians were pulling together their money to fund research on halting time itself to make themselves a little less sad.

The post Uh-Oh: Eagles’ Super Bowl Win Now Even Further In The Past appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

The post Top Movies To Watch In 2006 In The Car While Your Parents Argue In The Front Seat After Getting Lost In Orlando appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – It was a typical Friday morning for sixteen-year-old Anna and her mother, Ellen, with the two arguing about Anna cutting class. Things soon took a freaky turn when they both wished for the other to know what it’s like to be them, leading the mother and daughter to switch bodies for the day. 

On the body switch, teenager Anna stated, “being fifty-years-old is a nightmare. I was hot one minute, cold the next, and I cried over a Kay Jewelers commercial. It was like puberty, but instead of pimples I just had sores on my feet. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I honestly missed being on my period, it beats carpal tunnel.” When asked if this experience will change how she treats her mother, Anna said, “Ugh, I guess. I’ll stop calling her bipolar now, I’ll just call her menopausal instead.” 

Ellen was excited to live life as a teenager again. On the experience, Ellen said, “It was so great being able to bend down again without cracking my knees. I dropped a pencil and I didn’t even groan or wince.” When asked if this experience will change how she treats her daughter, Ellen said, “I didn’t know high school was so hard. Letters in math, milk with pizza for lunch, all awful combinations. No wonder she ditches school, even I ditched.”

Ellen and Anna both claim that this experience has shaped their dynamic until they got in another fight the next Friday and both wished for the other to walk a mile in their shoes.

The post Freaky Friday Situation Leads Teen Girl To Experience The Pain Of Menopause appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– What started as a normal day soon turned chaotic for Dan “the Man” McSweeney. Dan, a local father of two and coach for the Grasshoppers Little League team, was at a screening of the new Marvel film Morbius before being asked to leave by the usher, creating a scene. 

On the incident, a witness who would like to remain anonymous said, “I was in the back row of the theater, there were maybe about three of us in the whole theater, when I heard a loud voice exclaim, ‘That’s Michael Keaton!’ It startled me the first time, but then the man kept announcing the name of every actor as they appeared on screen. At one point he even tried to argue that Russell Brand was Morbius.” 

When asked about the incident, Dan was eager to share his side of the story. “There are just so many people in Morbius that I had to let my kids know who was who. You have the best Batman, the worst Joker, and that British doctor. You know, the guy with the face. If it’s a crime to be able to recognize actors, then I’m the top criminal in this city.” The Satirer advises anyone who decides to take their father to a screening of Morbius to understand the risks. 

The post Local Father Kicked Out Of Movie Theater For Loudly Identifying Every Actor appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look what the cat dragged in. I’m surprised you’d show your sorry ass around here after what you did. I’ll have you know that while you were off doing God-knows-what, I’ve been standing on this trolley station for 26 months straight. Do you think I have time to be standing day and night in the middle of the road for over two years? I have a family that relies on me, kids that have to be taken care of. I can’t afford to be gone this long. And it’s all because of you. I’m already in hot water at work for being late a couple times. Do you want to be the one that explains to my boss why I’m 109 weeks late to my shift? If they try to fire me I’m gonna be so upset with you, it’s not even funny. 

And yeah, I probably could have hopped on one of the replacement buses, but I don’t wanna be on something that’s not connected to a track. What if they make a turn? Did you ever stop for one second to think about that? Oh, that’s right, you only think about yourself. 

Listen, I’m sorry to come down on you so hard. I only do it because I care. You’ve got so much going for yourself and I hate watching you throw it all away by being out of service all the time. Think about the smile you put on peoples’ faces when they see your cool, retro vibe. Think about how many likes I get on Instagram when I post pictures of you. Think about how much you help people that have a deep fear of riding vehicles with the ability to make turns. You’re loved so much more than you know. 

Now what do you say we put this all behind us and just enjoy this ride to my work? It’s just three blocks up here.

The post Well Well Well, Look Who Decided To Show Up: Girard Trolleys Are Back In Service appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

BORDENTOWN, NJ– Tired of overly enthusiastic teens singing show tunes in their restaurant, Denny’s announced Tuesday that the company has added super glue to their beloved pancake mix. Denny’s hopes that this new ingredient will keep local theater kids quiet while families try to enjoy their meal. Before the official announcement, Denny’s tested out this practice in a select few locations, including Bordentown, New Jersey. 

One waitress at the Denny’s Bordentown location, Tippy “Knives” Johnson, lamented about how disruptive the local theater kids once were. Johnson stated, “those damn kids would pile in at seven o’clock, order their food in fake British accents, and play something called ‘zip, zap, zop.’ The hostess had to stop seating them in my section or they were gonna find out why they call me ‘Knives.’ ” When asked about the results of the super glue pancake mix, Johnson said, “the last time I felt this level of peace was before I earned my nickname.” 

Local high school theater student, Daniel Simmons, who insisted on being interviewed after his visit from Denny’s, stated, “mmmm, mmmmm. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm? Mmm mmm mmmm mmm.” 

Denny’s announced that this new ingredient will be enforced at all Denny’s locations starting this Friday, coincidentally at the same time as rehearsal season begins.

The post Denny’s Adds Super Glue To Pancake Mix To Shut Up Those Theater Kids After Rehearsal appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Today’s Wordle puzzle, that you completed in three attempts, came with the added satisfaction of a complete idiot on Twitter proudly posting that they completed the same puzzle in four tries. “How did James from my 8th grade class go from three yellow and one green on attempt two, to two yellow and no green on attempt three?” mused your inner monologue in smug disbelief. “He was so smart back then. I guess he’s dumb now.” Further scrolling of your Twitter Feed confirmed your cousin who solved it in just two steps must be a freaking genius. “I’ll have to call her up and see what she thinks I should do with my crypto.”

The post Complete Idiot Shares Wordle Completed In 4 Steps You Did In 3 appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

404 Error

Oops…it looks like we lost connection.  We don’t really eat cereal that much, but it seems like naming five different kinds is the only way this bully is going to stop twisting your nipples, so here’s our best guesses.

• Fruit Holes
• Cap’n Corn
• Cocoa Chunks
• Raisin Bran
• Honey Bunches of Count Frankenberry 

Good luck with your bully, we hope this helps.  And maybe try reconnecting your router?

The post Quick! Favorite This Link For The Next Time You Need To Name Five Cereals To Stop A Bully From Giving You A Purple Nurple appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.