What started as a normal day turned catastrophic for 6-year-old Tommy Sanders after this morning’s recess. “I just don’t understand,” said Tommy’s teacher, Ms. Nomer. “Tommy is so mature for his age: a very deep thinker and so reflective. But he just froze out there.” It started with the usual ribbing you find on any playground. After being called a ‘boogerhead,’ Tommy rebutted as he has done before with “I know you are, but what am I?” So automatic, such a reflex that Tommy had never truly considered before. “Wait… what AM I?” Tommy thought to himself hanging from the monkey bars.

What was his identity? Would he be known as the Kickball MVP for his historic 2 home runs in a single inning? Would the world admire him for his radical outside-the-lines coloring technique? Did it matter what his peers thought or was it about inner peace? These thoughts consumed the Kindergartener as he hung there coming to terms with himself as he was getting closer to his double digits age.

It became abundantly clear to Tommy that he was going through the much feared quarter of quarter-life crisis. All kids handled it differently: some collected exotic Hot Wheels, others took extravagant trips to Chuck E Cheese. How would he respond? He snapped back to reality and started doing pull ups on those monkey bars. Tommy was determined to get in the best shape of his 6 year life.

Christian Beardall

The post Introspective Kindergartener Has Existential Crisis After Uttering “I Know You Are But What Am I?” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Local mother Teri Roberts was filled with instant regret the moment she heard the first notes of her son Marshall’s debut violin recital on Sunday. “I wanted to throw up after one performance. I wish I’d never encouraged him to try this,” said Roberts when it became evident that her child lacked all manner of technical proficiency, musicality, and stage presence. The six-year-old violinist’s unique sound, which Roberts described at various times as “nails on a chalkboard” and “a rusty door hinge,” has caused her to second guess her entire parenting philosophy. “I should never have told him all that bullshit about following things through and not giving up,” said the beleaguered mother. “I’ll certainly think twice before I suggest he try any other new activities.” Roberts also admitted to denying to a fellow parent that she knew Marshall when he got lost halfway through the first verse of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and required note-by-note assistance from his teacher. 

One source of optimism for Roberts is the possibility that Marshall will inadvertently damage his instrument beyond repair, which judging by his extreme lack of dexterity, appears likely. “Sure, it would be a financial loss,” she acknowledged. “But you can’t put a price on your mental health and social reputation.”

Gregory Virgin

The post Mother Desperately Hoping She Raised A Quitter After Hearing Son’s First Violin Recital appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

For too long, outdated traditions have forced you to choose between trick OR treat, but this Halloween you’re finally going to manifest everything you deserve and not settle for anything less than a trick AND treat. First, you’ll have to ditch the masks, make-up, wigs, and fake blood you’ve been hiding behind. That’s right– this year you’re going out as yourself, what’s scarier than that?

Dressing up as yourself on Halloween will give you the confidence you’ll need to get what’s owed to you, so leave your costume at home and get those tricks and treats. When you march up to your neighbor’s door this Halloween, you’re not going to give them a choice. You’re going to demand a trick AND a treat. While you’re at it, have them smell your feet too. This will surely assert that you mean business and you won’t be taking no for an answer.

Should anyone still insist on making you choose between the two despite your non-negotiable stance, don’t let them think that you care. Simply pull down their underwear. That should clear things up for them.

Let this Halloween be the first of many that you’re completely in control of, loading up on tricks and treats and anything else you want. And don’t forget, Halloween doesn’t have to only be on October 31st, you’re the boss now.  

Zachary Decker

The post Trick AND Treat: How You Can Have It All This Halloween appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Mark Manning

The post Heartwarming: Teen Skateboarder Helps Young Girl Land Her First Concussion appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – Experts from the National Center For Children Taking All The Responsibility advised kids to do their best to avoid traumatic events on their own. “The younger you understand that it’s your responsibility – and your responsibility alone – to stay safe, the better. This is why we are trying to get this message out to all 6-month-olds,” explained spokesperson Henry Beesner, suggesting it’s easier than dealing with the hassle of years of therapy down the line.

“For example, we recommend that you don’t let your parents get divorced and, if they do, make sure it’s not your fault,” Beesner said. “Another trauma we see is children growing up in extreme poverty, which could be totally avoided if the child tries their best not to be poor.”

Beesner stressed the only positive that comes out of a difficult childhood is that the child might grow up to make some really good art.

Russ Bizaro

The post Health Experts Recommend Avoiding Extremely Traumatic Events As A Child appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – On a recent playdate at the park, Hailey Gorman caught up with The Satirer to express her growing frustration with not being taken seriously like the 10-month-old she is. “It’s always goo-goo-gaga this and coochy-coo that,” she explained, “as if they’re talking to someone who didn’t just master their ABCs.” Distracted by a chess match going on just behind her mother, Gorman unenthusiastically responded to a game of peek-a-boo, admitting she only plays along because her parents seem to enjoy it so much.  Other adults surrounding the child’s bassinet fawned over her ability to sit up on her own but failed to notice her ability to roll her eyes. “I swear, every adult that interacts with me insists on using nonsense words and truthfully I find it incredibly condescending.  If I didn’t pity them all so much I’d tell them to keep quiet so I could do my Sudoku in peace.” When asked if they were aware that their child was a baby genius, Gorman’s parents spit up on themselves and started sucking on their thumbs.

Zachary Decker

The post Baby Really Hates How Condescending You’re Being appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Calling their innovation “a breakthrough in modern snacking,” food scientists from Nabisco announced Monday that they are working with the manufacturers of Gushers on more realistic animal crackers. “We know what children want, and it’s authenticity,” explained Nabisco CEO Phillip Dramaton, who went on to say that children will finally be able to experience that happy feeling you get from decapitating a tiny giraffe in one bite. “This amazing snack has everything. That perfect animal shape, a delicious beige cracker taste, and a realistic explosion of animal innards in your mouth.” When asked what the new insides are made from, Dramaton replied, “The same as Gushers, real animal bits.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Animal Crackers Working With Gushers To Develop More Realistic Snack appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

ANAHEIM, CA – Tragedy struck this week as the personalities of millions of people were taken away, following Disney’s announcement of the status of Marvel’s Phase 4 films.

Chairman of Marvel Entertainment Issac Permutter addressed the delay in a press conference. “We’re disappointed but optimistic that this delay will lead to higher revenues. We’re hoping our data scientists can turn up some new trends so we can shoehorn some more relevant themes into them, and see if we can increase viewership. Wait, is this the press conference or the shareholder meeting?! Forget what I just said! The delay is for artistic reasons!!!”

Insurance salesman Richard Brackman was especially hard hit by the news. “Our watercooler talk has exclusively revolved around the MCU since 2012”, Richard said. “What are we supposed to talk about now, our kids? The fuck am I going to say about them?”

“Our daughter was supposed to have a Black Widow themed birthday party this month,” Richard’s wife Lorraine lamented. “We were going to legally change her name to Natasha Romanoff Brackman for her present. How’s that going to make any sense if the movie’s not out yet?”

“I guess we’ll just have to find some other stuff to watch in the break, just to get by”, Brackman sighed. “Ugh, I can’t believe we’re finally going to have to watch the new Justice League.”

Adam Lerner

The post Millions Left Without Personalities As Disney Delays Marvel Phase 4 Films Again appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

CHALFONT, PA- Providing new conclusions on a growing field of research, a new report issued by your mom last night at the dinner table disclosed how rim job jokes are not funny. “Preliminary evidence suggests ‘How dare you!’ ” the report reads in part, adding that observations indicate subjects who find the topic funny regularly get their mouths washed out with soap. “According to a recent survey, 93% of the book club would not set you up with one of their daughters.” The report’s only footnote explains, “This is not how I raised my boys.” 

When asked for comment, your dad said, “Go ask your mother.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Rim Job Jokes Are Not Funny, New Report From Your Mom appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

DARBY, PA – Shouting “I wanna see your hands” into his iPhone 6s, local disc jockey Jeremy McMullen reportedly created an authentic DJ experience on Instagram Live this past Friday with his mom onscreen wearing pasties. “My little Jeremy kept – oh excuse me – DJ J-Remy kept saying it just won’t be the same without being able to see his fans,” says Jeremy’s mom, adding that Grandma Doris will be joining the stream part way through in a neon green tutu. “I tried ordering the pasties on Amazon but they would have taken too long to ship, so thankfully I had some genoa salami lying around. Once I had them secured in place, we realized they might be too inappropriate for Instagram, but then Jeremy reminded us that it’s okay because they completely cover both of my areolas.” At press time, the family was waiting for Grandma Doris to come down off the molly. 

Russ Bizaro

The post DJ On Instagram Live Creates Authentic Experience With Mom Wearing Pasties appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.