A new report finds that 59% of Millennial women want to move into leadership roles. But the news isn’t all good: of the survey respondents with these career ambitions, 90% menstruate. In fact, two-thirds of those who experience “that time of the month” do so practically every single month.

“I was responsible for one of our most successful advertising campaigns,” said Katie Aarons, a senior marketing associate at a creative agency. “Thanks to my efforts alone, revenue increased 20% in the last quarter compared with Q3 in 2020. But I also forgot to change my tampon for 13 hours once, and I spent approximately eight minutes and 13 seconds of company time deep-diving TSS symptoms.”

Lilly Smith agrees. “I’ve dreamed of founding my own startup for years, and I’ve been working on a really solid pitch deck,” she said. “At the same time, I eat, like, ten thousand bags of Smartfood a day when the flow is super heavy.” Smith added that she has tried to switch to Skinny Pop, but “it’s just not the same level of greasy.”

Concerns about women who are sometimes in heat moving into leadership roles are not concentrated to the employee level. Managers, too, worry about the implications of promoting employees who experience Code Red once a month.

“Take Carrie Shield,” said Richard Finn, CEO of a major software development firm. “She’s one of our brightest, most hardworking developers on staff. Recently, she came to me, asking to throw her hat in the ring for the new manager opening. Normally, someone like her would be a shoo-in. But you’ve got to look at the big picture. What if, say, we had an executive retreat at a beach, and the sharks got a whiff of her?”

“This is a twofold issue,” Finn elaborated. “First, Carrie used three out of 10 allotted sick days last year. Were they because of PMS? I don’t know. We’re not allowed to ask. But I can hazard a strong ‘maybe.’ Second, we recently invested in white chairs for our main boardroom, and I’d hate to see them ruined.”

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

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PHILADELPHIA– A new auditor’s report conducted at Big Fat Large Company reveals that employees working within the Human Resources department do absolutely nothing during working hours, reaching just about everyone’s expectations for what they are capable of. 

“The report was ordered after hearing multiple serious allegations that members of our HR team have not actually been working during work hours–or any hours for that matter,” the CEO shared in a pre-recorded Zoom meeting that was later leaked on TikTok. “Even worse, when I arrived at the department to discuss the matter, I was shocked to find that googly-eyed cardboard cutouts had replaced their cold-blooded bodies at each of their cubicles,” he further shared with the rest of the unsurprised company. 

The report has been sent to Big Fat Large Company’s parent company, Super Big Fat Large Inc., for further investigation however it is unlikely anything will change because, well, who wants to get HR involved in anything anyways? When pressed for comment by the Satirer, Big Fat Large Company disclosed that the auditor’s report was originally issued by its own HR department.

Isabella Quiros

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BALTIMORE, MD— Have you ever noticed that cats are often the most punctual animals when it comes to feeding time? Well, a new study from Johns Hopkins University reveals that cats know exactly when it’s owner is late for a mealtime, thanks in part to the presence of teenie-tiny, little watches located inside their empty tummies. 

The study all started by chance, according to Dr. Purrzalot, the head felinologist on the report. “I started to hear a peculiar tick-tock noise coming from the lab cat’s big belly a few minutes past lunch time. I picked him up like the little baby he is and put him directly under the microscope. Sure enough, after I zoomed in 378 times, there it was — an actual ticking clock inside his itty bitty teeny wittle tiny tummy telling him that it was time for me to serve him food.” 

Researchers from the study are suggesting that all cat owners take heed when feeding their feline friends from now on. It is vital that they are fed on time, because if they are fed even a moment past their feeding time they could very well become slightly annoyed. Dr. Purrzalot further recommends just getting a dog instead. 

Isabella Quiros

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PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

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UNIVERSITY PARK, PA– A new study conducted by the Department of Sociology at Penn State has found that simply texting the word “STOP” can be an effective way to unsubscribe not only from marketing texts, but also friendships. These findings could prove invaluable to millions who report unwanted frequent communication from the people in their lives. The results of the study, which consisted of 80 participants, suggest that replying to a friend’s text with a “STOP” message has a 72% chance of immediately destroying the relationship. In some instances, the initial “STOP” text was misinterpreted as a joke, or the recipient sought to open up a discussion regarding the startling curtness of the message. The study authors reported that in these cases, sending the “STOP” message several additional times was usually sufficient for complete friendship termination.

In the few outliers where the “STOP” message was unsuccessful in ceasing contact with its recipients, researchers hypothesized that capitalization may have been a factor. Some study participants failed to adhere to the all-caps guideline.

In a follow-up study, scientists are now investigating whether shouting “STOP” in-person while someone is talking may be an even more permanent solution for removing annoying people from social circles. Trials are ongoing.

Gregory Virgin

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PHILADELPHIA – Experts from the National Center For Children Taking All The Responsibility advised kids to do their best to avoid traumatic events on their own. “The younger you understand that it’s your responsibility – and your responsibility alone – to stay safe, the better. This is why we are trying to get this message out to all 6-month-olds,” explained spokesperson Henry Beesner, suggesting it’s easier than dealing with the hassle of years of therapy down the line.

“For example, we recommend that you don’t let your parents get divorced and, if they do, make sure it’s not your fault,” Beesner said. “Another trauma we see is children growing up in extreme poverty, which could be totally avoided if the child tries their best not to be poor.”

Beesner stressed the only positive that comes out of a difficult childhood is that the child might grow up to make some really good art.

Russ Bizaro

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UNIVERSITY CITY, PA- Calling their findings a landmark discovery in modern physiology, a new study from the University of Pennsylvania finds belly buttons can also be called “little belly holes.” “It’s going to take some time to work out all of the logistics but we expect to start seeing doctors use the now equally correct ‘little belly holes’ in the coming months,” says Dr. Sarah Clowder, M.D., adding that they originally planned to name them “little teeny baby belly-welly soft holesy-wolesies” but it was denied on word count by Merriam Webster’s Medical Dictionary. “As discussed in the study, outies became a major point of contention for members of the science community. However, after much deliberation, we were able to come to a now-historic consensus and establish the ‘lil belly bumps’ resolution.“ At press time, Dr. Clowder revealed her research group is taking over the infamous ear renaming program ‘Big Floppy Bois.’

Russ Bizaro

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