BOSTON—Tempers reached a boiling point last December as a reenactment of the Boston Tea Party led to a violent clash between Bostonians and English tourists. “In my thirty years leading the reenactment, I’ve never seen people so hot about American history,” said Boylin Beveridge, a descendant of Samuel Adams of tea-chucking fame. “I’m glad the public realizes that liberty is a way of life, not a two-hundred-year-old byword.” The tourists were less impressed by the Bostonians’ cries for independence and authentic 1700s-era tomahawks. “There was no need to bean us with all 342 chests of tea,” said Tabitha Torey, the matriarch of the visiting family. “What have we ever done to you?” More recently, concerns about the environmental impact on Boston Harbor were raised by a local fisherman. “Damn fish taste like oolong,” he harrumphed. After passions cooled, the city council decided that the reenactment would not be canceled in the foreseeable future. However, they apologized to the Toreys for the incident and encouraged the family to come back in March for the city’s world-famous reenactment of the Boston Massacre.

Alexandra Paskhaver

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So, your Nonno just died and you can’t wrap your head around why your younger brother got the Summer house in Cape May and all you got in the will was a moldy tomato?  Well, what if you found out that moldy tomato isn’t just any tomato, but an heirloom tomato that has been in your family for six generations?  The mold makes sense now, huh?

Well, your great-great-great grandmother, Nonna Celeste, grew that tomato in her garden in Sicily to give to your great-great-great grandfather, Nonno Angelo, before he got on the boat headed for South Philly, one-hundred years ago.

The story goes that Nonno Angelo held onto that tomato to serve as motivation for him to work hard and make enough money to get great-great-great Nonna Celeste to America faster so he could eat her famous gravy sooner.

I think it’s a sweet story, but your Uncle Vinny says it’s a dirty joke.

That tomato has been passed down to the oldest son in the family ever since to serve as a reminder that hard work pays off when you’re doing it for the ones you love, and now you’re holding it, so be grateful ya goomba!

Yeah, it’s almost completely mold now, but truth be told, it was moldy like eight days in and no one ever complained.  Just put it in a Ziploc bag and stick it in the freezer, that’s all your Nonno ever did with it. Also, if it makes you feel any better, the Cape May house is pretty moldy too, so you kind of dodged a bullet.

Zachary Decker

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PHILADELPHIA – A Google Doc that was left open on a computer belonging to one of the Satirer’s editors is apparently pissed off that we keep referring to it as “Google Mister.”  What started out as a joke amongst staff quickly escalated when the fed-up word processing app put its caps lock on and screamed at us in the middle of a meeting, “I DIDN’T GO TO FOUR YEARS OF MEDICAL SCHOOL JUST TO BE CALLED GOOGLE MISTER BY A BUNCH OF JACKOFFS THAT THINK COLONOSCOPY SABOTAGE IS SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT.” 

Laughing after we discovered that the draft was really just an anesthesiologist, which is hardly a doctor, made the situation even worse.  The writing staff swiftly learned their lesson on not punching-down after the enraged doctor uploaded a back-handed slap across the face of our meekest contributor, leaving them permanently disfigured. 

Scared and ashamed, the whole group attempted to apologize to the Google Doc for disrespecting the entire medical profession and not taking our half-baked bits more seriously, which only leads to hurt feelings amongst coworkers and friends.

Google Doc calmed down and took our apology into consideration before revealing that, “it’s not even about my title being the butt of your jokes, it’s that you didn’t even stop to consider that this doctor is a woman.”  Our minds were so completely blown that we briefly considered buying a subscription to Microsoft Office.

Zachary Decker

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PHILADELPHIA – Counting to make sure the baby had all 88 keys, doctors at Jefferson Hospital announced Sunday that a grand piano gave birth to a baby grand piano in a Major C section. 

Local Yamaha grand piano Allegra Debussy knew it was time to go to the hospital when she felt A sharp pain just above her legs.

“I looked down and went ‘Holy smokes! I think my strings just broke!’ “ explained Allegra, who then immediately called the piano moving company. “The minute we got in that truck I was yelling to the driver, ‘Come on, step on that sustain pedal! We don’t have much time signature!’ “

The couple explained they knew they were getting a C Section ahead of time and did research to find the best Organist in the city.

“The doctor was great with us- frankly, the whole staff was really great to us,” said Allegra’s husband Don Debussy, a 16th century harpsichord. “No matter what room you walk into, everyone greets you with a friendly chello. They really had a Handel on everything”

“We had a few concerns coming into this. For one, my family has a history of being born with a clef lip. Beyond that, we were both also aware that Allegra’s biological metronome was ticking, it was just the right time.”

Accordion to experts, child birth becomes increasingly dangerous with age. Increased risks to Grand Pianos range from serious complications down to throwing out their Bach.

“I was fairly insistent on being the one to cut the augmented chord,” explained Don, standing in the waiting room while drinking a Coca-Coda. “Not to harp on it, but it’s something that I’ve always wanted to do as a father so I really begged. I hope I didn’t cause too much treble.”

The doctors reported the baby came in at a healthy 57 inches and 482 pounds 3 ounces, which is a little on the low side, seeing as she’s made entirely of wood, metal, and glossy paint.

Russ Bizaro

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Mark Manning

The post Neo-Nazi Can’t Fall Asleep Without White Noise Machine appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Mark Manning

The post J. J. Abrats To Produce Mission Opossumble: Rodent Nation appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.