PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

The post Soap For Sensitive Skin Still Tastes Like Regular Soap appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

In accordance with 54 Pa.C.S. § 311(g) (FindLaw), this post is an advertisement that an Application for Registration of Fictitious Name was electronically filed via PennFile with the Pennsylvania Department of State Bureau of Corporations and Charitable Organizations on Friday, October 15th, 2021 for the following Fictitious Name:

Fictitious Name: THE PHILADELPHIA SATIRER
Address: 855 N UBER ST UNIT A, PHILADELPHIA, PA 19130
Interested Parties:
1. ERIC OCALLAGHAN, PO BOX 3246, PHILADELPHIA, PA 19130

As we take steps to improve The Philadelphia Satirer, we remain committed to dispensable journalism.

Thank you so very much for reading!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

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PHILADELPHIA – Infants as young as six months old can begin to recognize the world around them. By age two, they can assign names to things. At five, children have an acute awareness of all fifty states that make up the union of the United States of America. Parents: Your kids know more than you think. As a result, it is imperative that parents acknowledge and begin conversations with their children at an early age to explain that the state bird of Pennsylvania is the ruffed grouse.  “The ruffed grouse was an important part of the food supply for early North American settlers, and it’s still a familiar sight in Pennsylvania forests today,” child psychologist Adam Newler explained, “and young children are perceptive of this, even without parental influence.” According to Newler, it’s never too early to talk to children about the state bird of Pennsylvania or the state flower or the state fossil.  Which are the mountain laurel and trilobite, respectively. “We don’t want our youth to develop an unhealthy relationship with what are simply the facts of life or, more specifically, the facts of Pennsylvania,” said Newler. “If parents can get out in front of these things, I believe we can look forward to a future full of individuals who are really good at local trivia.” While Newler admits that talking about Pennsylvania’s state bird, the ruffed grouse, with your children might be uncomfortable, he can assure that it won’t be nearly as difficult as talking with your children about the consequences of bee population decline.    

Zachary Decker

The post It’s Never Too Early To Talk To Your Kids About The State Bird Of Pennsylvania appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

1. Schuylkill River
2. Delaware River

References:

• Devastation on the Delaware: Stories and Images of the Deadly Flood of 1955 (2005, Word Forge Books, Ferndale, PA) The only comprehensive documentary of this weather disaster in the Delaware River Valley.
• Leach, Josiah Granville (1902). “Commodore John Hazlewood, Commander of the Pennsylvania Navy in the Revolution”. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography, Vol. 26, No. 1 (1902), pp. 1–6 and The Historical Society of Pennsylvania. 26 (1): 1–6. JSTOR 20086007.
• McGeorge, Wallace (1905). The Battle of Red Bank, resulting in the defeat of the Hessians and the destruction of the British frigate Augusta, Oct. 22 and 23, 1777. Camden, New Jersey, Sinnickson Chew, printers.
• Leach, Josiah Granville (1902). “Commodore John Hazlewood, Commander of the Pennsylvania Navy in the Revolution”. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography, Vol. 26, No. 1 (1902), pp. 1–6 and The Historical Society of Pennsylvania. 26 (1): 1–6. JSTOR 20086007.
• Savas, Theodore (2006). Guide to the Battles of the American Revolution. Savas Beatie. ISBN 1-932714-12-X.
• Oxford Dictionary: definition of Schuylkill River (American English)
• Definition of SCHUYLKILL”. www.merriam-webster.com.
• U.S. Geological Survey. National Hydrography Dataset high-resolution flowline data. The National Map  Archived 2012-04-05 at WebCite, accessed April 1, 2011
• Donnalley, Thomas K., Hand book of tribal names of Pennsylvania, together with signification of Indian words, Philadelphia:Donnalley, (1908), p. 37
• The Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education
• Pennypacker, Samuel Whitaker, Annals of Phoenixville and Its Vicinity: From the Settlement to the Year 1871, Giving the Origin etc., Philadelphia:Bavis &Pennypacker, 1872, p.1
• Scharf, Thomas (1884). History of Philadelphia: 1609 – 1834. Philadelphia: L. H. Everts & Co. ISBN 9785883517104.
• Nickels, Thom (June 6, 2001). Manayunk. Arcadia Publishing. ISBN 9780738505114.
• Pennypacker, Samuel Whitaker (1872). Annals of Phoenixville and Its Vicinity: From the Settlement to the Year 1871. Phoenixville, PA: Bavis & Pennypacker, printers. pp. 5.

Russ Bizaro

The post A List Of All 2 Major Rivers That Flow Through Philadelphia. You Won’t Believe Number 2! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

BUCKS COUNTY, PA – With arguably the most important presidential election to date underway, the message to get out and vote couldn’t be clearer; that is unless you are Monica Perot, artistic director of the Hulmeville Community Dance Theater who showed up to the polls today expecting to audition dancers to join the cast of her upcoming production of The Nutcracker. “I’m happy to see such a large turnout, but a lot of these people don’t strike me as trained ballet dancers,” Perot said about the countless voters waiting in line to cast their ballots, “No one is even wearing a leotard or proper slippers, but I suppose I’ll have to keep an open mind and hope to be pleasantly surprised by the audition results.” As voter after voter enters the voting booth to participate in determining the fate of American democracy, Perot remains seemingly undecided on who will perform the leading role of the Mouse King. “I know every audition counts but if this is the pool of ballerinas I have to choose from, I’m going to have to pick the lesser of two evils eventually,” Perot commented as voters exited from behind privacy curtains, their humanity teetering in the balance, “and being cast as the titular Nutcracker is serious business. Not just any unqualified yolk can fill those shoes, but what choice do I have?” With the nation facing an unprecedented existential crisis over issues such as climate change, economic collapse, social justice, and so much more, Perot is beginning to wonder why she ever got involved in community theater in the first place.

Zachary Decker

The post Confused Dance Director Shows Up To The Polls To Cast Ballet appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

CHALFONT, PA- Providing new conclusions on a growing field of research, a new report issued by your mom last night at the dinner table disclosed how rim job jokes are not funny. “Preliminary evidence suggests ‘How dare you!’ ” the report reads in part, adding that observations indicate subjects who find the topic funny regularly get their mouths washed out with soap. “According to a recent survey, 93% of the book club would not set you up with one of their daughters.” The report’s only footnote explains, “This is not how I raised my boys.” 

When asked for comment, your dad said, “Go ask your mother.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Rim Job Jokes Are Not Funny, New Report From Your Mom appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

DARBY, PA – Shouting “I wanna see your hands” into his iPhone 6s, local disc jockey Jeremy McMullen reportedly created an authentic DJ experience on Instagram Live this past Friday with his mom onscreen wearing pasties. “My little Jeremy kept – oh excuse me – DJ J-Remy kept saying it just won’t be the same without being able to see his fans,” says Jeremy’s mom, adding that Grandma Doris will be joining the stream part way through in a neon green tutu. “I tried ordering the pasties on Amazon but they would have taken too long to ship, so thankfully I had some genoa salami lying around. Once I had them secured in place, we realized they might be too inappropriate for Instagram, but then Jeremy reminded us that it’s okay because they completely cover both of my areolas.” At press time, the family was waiting for Grandma Doris to come down off the molly. 

Russ Bizaro

The post DJ On Instagram Live Creates Authentic Experience With Mom Wearing Pasties appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – A member of the Satirer staff, who has been conducting independent pigeon fecal research, witnessed a pigeon get scared shitless by a large plastic owl earlier this week. The pigeon, named Wallace, visits City Hall Plaza regularly for take-out and told the Satirer staffer, who asked to remain anonymous, what happened.

“I hit up City Hall Plaza every day for lunch because even with the pandemic going you still get some of the best sandwich crumbs in the city down there,” Wallace shared. “Then, man, that owl just got me when you saw me shit that load.”

Our staffer’s independent research found that pigeons go to the bathroom around five times an hour. On the day in question, the Satirer staffer was conducting field research and was lucky enough to observe Wallace expel excrement in the largest amount ever recorded while staring transfixed in a state of terror at the plastic owl who is nestled upon the upper levels of City Hall. It was believed that Wallace totally emptied his bowels because he did not go to the bathroom for several hours after the owl scare incident. 

It is unclear whether Wallace knows that the plastic owl isn’t alive. “He’s gotten me good so many times, he’s always roosted up in the same spot every day,” commented an exasperated Wallace. “He’s stone-cold, he doesn’t move! He’s like a statue! Or a psycho! What kind of guy never moves?” Wallace isn’t sure why he is afraid of owls since the one at City Hall is the only one he’s ever seen. When we tried to interview the fake plastic owl, it had no comment about its exemplary job performance as a scarecrow for pigeons.

At press time, Wallace was considering attending an online IBS support group meeting.

Damien Wendy

The post Local Pigeon Scared Shitless By Large Plastic Owl appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

10. Out back in the alley by the dumpsters, Lady and the Tramp-style.

9. On the sidewalk that’s barely wide enough for a couple of slow-walkers side by side.

8. In the PPA garage next door. Hourly fees apply.

7. The “extended patio area” which is just a roped-off section of the street with the added excitement of cars narrowly avoiding your table while making wide turns.

6. On the back of the flatbed truck delivering the produce that’s still parked in a No Loading Zone.

5. On the flat tar roof that is now soft and bouncy from the heat. The views will be unobstructed as there are no railings in your way!

4. On the median on Washington Ave. Snag a spot before it’s used up for parking.

3. The vacant lot down the street where all those feral cats live. Don’t worry, they seem nice.

2. A romantic drift on the 100-ton barge slowly floating down the Schuylkill River.

1. In the safety of your own home where you can still support restaurants through take-out or delivery.

Irem Boz

The post Philly’s Creative New Outdoor Dining Spots – Ranked! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA – After days of grueling work protecting a statue of Christopher Columbus that stands at Marconi Plaza, the local Italian-American community are taking a much needed vacation to the Jersey Shore, and they’re taking the statue with them. Tony Ampione, a self-proclaimed Italian heritage defender and representative of those standing guard, detailed, “it’s been a hard few days hanging out, drinking, and threatening people that don’t look like me but it’s been great to see all of my cop buddies and talk about who’s bringing what down Wildwood this weekend.” When asked about the decision to bring the statue with them on the beach trip Ampione answered, “well how else are we gonna keep these liberal gabagools from messin’ wit it?  Plus, I just found out dis Chris guy’s Italian, so he’s part of the family, paesano! Why wouldn’t he come down the shore wit us?” As the statue of Christopher Columbus was loaded into a car headed for The Wildwoods, the so-called “liberal gabagools” in the area could be seen congratulating each other for successfully removing another symbol of colonization in America; those defending the statue mistook the cheering for resentful cries.

UPDATE: After a long weekend of heavy drinking it has been reported that the statue of Christopher Columbus stumbled off the boardwalk into the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Zachary Decker

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