BORDENTOWN, NJ– Tired of overly enthusiastic teens singing show tunes in their restaurant, Denny’s announced Tuesday that the company has added super glue to their beloved pancake mix. Denny’s hopes that this new ingredient will keep local theater kids quiet while families try to enjoy their meal. Before the official announcement, Denny’s tested out this practice in a select few locations, including Bordentown, New Jersey. 

One waitress at the Denny’s Bordentown location, Tippy “Knives” Johnson, lamented about how disruptive the local theater kids once were. Johnson stated, “those damn kids would pile in at seven o’clock, order their food in fake British accents, and play something called ‘zip, zap, zop.’ The hostess had to stop seating them in my section or they were gonna find out why they call me ‘Knives.’ ” When asked about the results of the super glue pancake mix, Johnson said, “the last time I felt this level of peace was before I earned my nickname.” 

Local high school theater student, Daniel Simmons, who insisted on being interviewed after his visit from Denny’s, stated, “mmmm, mmmmm. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm? Mmm mmm mmmm mmm.” 

Denny’s announced that this new ingredient will be enforced at all Denny’s locations starting this Friday, coincidentally at the same time as rehearsal season begins.

Brianna Benozich

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PHILADELPHIA– “This entire city is an amazing fan base for my all-time favorite band, The Eagles,” explained out-of-towner Jason Rath, after visiting Philadelphia for the first time. 

“I was at a bar and suddenly this perfectly coordinated chant about the band broke out. Finally, an entire city that shares my appreciation for the songwriting mastery of Don Henley and Glenn Frey,” explained Rath, who said he’s been trying to start chants about the band The Eagles for years in his hometown Dallas but never received much interest. 

Rath was also shocked to see so much new band memorabilia across the city. “People have bumper stickers and flags for the band on their front doors. Rock on! I must’ve missed that tour,” said Rath, pointing to a shirt that said ‘Eagles Champions 2018.’

“Strangely, the city tends to praise the band only on Sundays, probably because listening to their music makes them feel closer to God like it does for me.”

Reflecting on the chant’s lyrics, Rath stated, “The best part is when they chant about the band’s incredible singing skills with ‘Hit ‘em low notes, hit ‘em high notes.’”

“They must’ve been tired of chanting by the end of the night because no one joined in on my Hotel California chant– ‘H-O-T-E-L C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A Hotel California!’”

Russ Bizaro

The post “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” Shouts Man Thinking Everyone’s Chanting About The Band appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Local mother Teri Roberts was filled with instant regret the moment she heard the first notes of her son Marshall’s debut violin recital on Sunday. “I wanted to throw up after one performance. I wish I’d never encouraged him to try this,” said Roberts when it became evident that her child lacked all manner of technical proficiency, musicality, and stage presence. The six-year-old violinist’s unique sound, which Roberts described at various times as “nails on a chalkboard” and “a rusty door hinge,” has caused her to second guess her entire parenting philosophy. “I should never have told him all that bullshit about following things through and not giving up,” said the beleaguered mother. “I’ll certainly think twice before I suggest he try any other new activities.” Roberts also admitted to denying to a fellow parent that she knew Marshall when he got lost halfway through the first verse of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and required note-by-note assistance from his teacher. 

One source of optimism for Roberts is the possibility that Marshall will inadvertently damage his instrument beyond repair, which judging by his extreme lack of dexterity, appears likely. “Sure, it would be a financial loss,” she acknowledged. “But you can’t put a price on your mental health and social reputation.”

Gregory Virgin

The post Mother Desperately Hoping She Raised A Quitter After Hearing Son’s First Violin Recital appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

MILWAUKEE, WI— Encapsulate your placenta. Blend your Placenta. Plant your placenta. Hand-make a very graphic tee using an imprint of your placenta. Make some earrings to match. These are just a few of the increasingly weird but totally real things modern women do with their afterbirth – and the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that has many moms asking themselves – is there anything my slimy, already-once-rejected, temporary fetal organ can’t do? 

Ask Hayley Davis, 23-year-old mother of one and fan of that woman who “vaginally knit” herself a scarf while the whole world puked, and the answer you’ll get is “no.” Last fall, she decided to go beyond all pre-established abnorms and take her placenta out of the craft room and into the recording studio.

“I wanted to do something unique, but all the obvious unique things had already been done. Still, I asked the nurse for a to-go container as I was packing up to leave the hospital and just stared at that goopy mass all the way home,” she explained. 

During that drive, her epiphany became clear: “All those curly lines, whatever they are, looked like music notes. I don’t know which ones. And the rich, muddy color reminded me of a red carpet at some fancy awards show – that had been left out in the rain – after every last person stomped across it. Basically? I just knew.”

For the next six months Davis would employ a nanny for her new daughter Brindle and dedicate 100% of her time to co-writing, and eventually producing, the first ever placenta-headlined album.

The writing process, she claimed, was very intuitive and organic, though the actual recording proved tricky due to the inanimate nature of her star performer. “Placentas are the quietest of all the vascular structures, but have the most to say,” Davis noted. Of the eleven tracks, nine of them blend the appropriation of a variety of cultures with a lyrical focus on nutrients and the importance of circulation, while she aptly described the other two as “songs to make a placenta to.” 

With only four weeks until the debut release, Davis is happy to report she can now focus on her baby – and her pending, bound-to-happen divorce. While the world awaits its first taste of placental rap stylings and sex anthems, The Philadelphia Satirer inches closer to answering the aforementioned proverbial question: “What can’t you do with a placenta?”

Spoiler alert: It’s probably this.

The album ORGAN YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA? by AFTERBYRTH will be available on iTunes this March.

Jillian Parsons

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PHILADELPHIA – Counting to make sure the baby had all 88 keys, doctors at Jefferson Hospital announced Sunday that a grand piano gave birth to a baby grand piano in a Major C section. 

Local Yamaha grand piano Allegra Debussy knew it was time to go to the hospital when she felt A sharp pain just above her legs.

“I looked down and went ‘Holy smokes! I think my strings just broke!’ “ explained Allegra, who then immediately called the piano moving company. “The minute we got in that truck I was yelling to the driver, ‘Come on, step on that sustain pedal! We don’t have much time signature!’ “

The couple explained they knew they were getting a C Section ahead of time and did research to find the best Organist in the city.

“The doctor was great with us- frankly, the whole staff was really great to us,” said Allegra’s husband Don Debussy, a 16th century harpsichord. “No matter what room you walk into, everyone greets you with a friendly chello. They really had a Handel on everything”

“We had a few concerns coming into this. For one, my family has a history of being born with a clef lip. Beyond that, we were both also aware that Allegra’s biological metronome was ticking, it was just the right time.”

Accordion to experts, child birth becomes increasingly dangerous with age. Increased risks to Grand Pianos range from serious complications down to throwing out their Bach.

“I was fairly insistent on being the one to cut the augmented chord,” explained Don, standing in the waiting room while drinking a Coca-Coda. “Not to harp on it, but it’s something that I’ve always wanted to do as a father so I really begged. I hope I didn’t cause too much treble.”

The doctors reported the baby came in at a healthy 57 inches and 482 pounds 3 ounces, which is a little on the low side, seeing as she’s made entirely of wood, metal, and glossy paint.

Russ Bizaro

The post Grand Piano Gives Birth To Baby Grand Piano In Major C Section appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

DARBY, PA – Shouting “I wanna see your hands” into his iPhone 6s, local disc jockey Jeremy McMullen reportedly created an authentic DJ experience on Instagram Live this past Friday with his mom onscreen wearing pasties. “My little Jeremy kept – oh excuse me – DJ J-Remy kept saying it just won’t be the same without being able to see his fans,” says Jeremy’s mom, adding that Grandma Doris will be joining the stream part way through in a neon green tutu. “I tried ordering the pasties on Amazon but they would have taken too long to ship, so thankfully I had some genoa salami lying around. Once I had them secured in place, we realized they might be too inappropriate for Instagram, but then Jeremy reminded us that it’s okay because they completely cover both of my areolas.” At press time, the family was waiting for Grandma Doris to come down off the molly. 

Russ Bizaro

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