Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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They asked you to make dirt bike noises during sex.

They don’t have kids but go to Disney World every year.

They farted while having sex with your dad.

They drink Mountain Dew after the age of 15.

They said “Joe Rogan is really smart.”

They believe in horoscopes.

They’re not me AYE-YO!!

They’re a Leo.

You are dead.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Market/Frankford Lime

Septa Splash

Vegan Cherry

Fresh Air

Corn Syrup

Cough Drop

American Cheese

Scrapple Dapple Do

Brake Fluid

Sand

Carlos Santana

Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast

Combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell

Water

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

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You won’t let them walk around Old City yelling “Wow, so old!”

They’re scared of the dark.

Philadelphia has been rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America and they just don’t feel like they are mature enough yet to handle that.

They’re worried their Cowboys face tattoo will not be received well.

They grew up in Philly.

“I could just FaceTime you instead.”

Their mom said no.

Because of the goddamn fucking pandemic, stop making this about you Jesus Christ, man!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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The post Reasons Your Friend Doesn’t Want To Visit You In Philly appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

1. Swallow an iPod Nano playing Let’s Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas on loop, rendering any footage taken during the procedure unusable due to DMCA violations

2. Neglect going to the practice colonoscopy beforehand

3. Hide your cancer in your appendix, they’ll never find it there!

4. Form a human centipede with yourself thereby blocking all ports of entry

5. Right before the proctologist inserts the scope announce, “Annnnd…..ACTION!”

6. Wear the wrong shoes

7. Swallow an AirPod and have a buddy call it to ask the doc how the ‘oscopy is going

8. Stick a can of snakes up there

9. Ask, “Is this a you-do-me-then-I-do-you kind of a thing?”

10. Use Deepfake technology on your butthole, meanwhile you’re sippin’ Mai Tai’s in Cabo

11. Don’t have health insurance

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Gaslight scented candle

Podcasting mic

A Reddit premium account

Cryptocurrency For Dummies

A job at Barstool Sports

An inspirational poster that says “I know you are, but what am I?”

A Chrome extension that adds “Well, actually” before any reply on a woman’s post

Coupons for a liquor store teenagers hang out in front of

Urethra wide mouth nozzle to spray urine on the toilet seat

Binoculars

A kick in the groin

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Vaccines are HOT! HOT! HOT!

It’s the one thing EVERYONE is talking about. We can’t get enough of vaccines this year, so we are here to give you the inside scoop on the most anticipated vaccines coming out in 2021. 

MMR Vaccine – We just can’t wait to get our hands on 2021’s MMR vaccine!! At their press briefing on Tuesday, Merck and EA Sports announced the drop of the brand new vaccine coming this February. It has all the great features of 2020’s measles vaccine, like protection against measles, mumps, and rubella with a 97% effective rate after two doses. But it also includes a new ultimate expansion pack where you can unlock cool giveaways and prizes. Log onto the Merck online store and you can claim your prize after your second dose of the vaccine.

Tetanus Shot – You know what’s NOT rusty, Adacel’s commitment to a fuego vaccine for you! With Adacel’s secret formula combined with the towing power of the all new 2021 Ford-150, you will be safe and sound from a tetanus infection this year. You may be eligible for a FREE six months of Sirius XM radio if you sign up for a 24 month contract, eligible in the rust belt states. 

Mad Cow Disease – If your cows are going mad with Mad Cow Disease, then listen up… Johnson & Johnson teamed up with Fandango to bring you the all new 2021 Mad Cow Disease vaccine. Just four easy doses (one for each stomach) and your cattle will be protected from this awful disease. And that’s not all! It also includes a $15 voucher for a movie, or refreshment, at your local movie theater (see terms and conditions on their website for valid movies, unlimited popcorn does not apply).

There is plenty to look forward to in 2021 when it comes to vaccines. Just because the COVID-19 vaccine is getting all the media hype doesn’t mean it’s your only option, don’t forget about the classics! 

Matt Roskin

The post Here Are 2021’s Hottest Vaccines! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Pro: It’ll become easier to release your pet monkey into the wild.

Con: It’ll take business away from the historic Philadelphia Zoo.

Pro: It’ll take business away from the inhumane Philadelphia Zoo.

Con: They would probably not be the monkeys that went into outer space.

Pro: Monkeys might play bocce ball with you.

Con: They have hair all over their bodies, so it’s hard to tell which part’s their head.

Pro: Monkeys have thumbs, so they might make decent disc golf players.

Con: They might be too good and that’s no fun.

Pro: Monkeys look awesome when climbing and swinging and stuff.

Con: They’ll rip your face off your head.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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