PHILADELPHIA- Don’t spend it all in one place! A new Philly-based stimulus check calculator aims to demonstrate just how far your sweet, American fortune can go. A Satirer staffer who wishes to remain anonymous reported, “I’m just glad I don’t live in New York.” Another boasted, “I paid my rent. From June. Not sure what I’m supposed to do for all the other months.” For those still undecided on how they will spend their stimulus check, this new calculator will advise you.  All you have to do is enter your birth chart info (astrology is really “in” right now). The list below offers a glimpse of how you can expect to spend your scraps.

1.  City Wide Specials: Your stimulus check can provide you with roughly 120 shot-and-beer combos. If you work from home, this will give you some extra pep for your Zoom meetings. If you’re unemployed, an essential worker, or a water sign, this will help kick your depression into high gear.  
2. Arctic Splash Iced Tea: Your stimulus check can lavish you with approximately 402 Arctic Splashes. Medical experts do not recommend this drink to anyone who is diabetic, pre-diabetic, post-diabetic, or a Taurus.
3. PPA Parking tickets: Your stimulus check can only pay for about 10 parking tickets, so accrue them wisely. Ask a Capricorn for help budgeting.
4. SEPTA base fare: Your stimulus check will get you 240 rides on SEPTA. You’ll still have to walk 10 blocks to your actual destination though. If you need more than one transfer, you’ll have to pay extra for that– this ain’t New York, dickhead.

If the human race survives, Philadelphians might be looking at a second stimulus– that’s 933 more Arctic Splashes. What a time to barely be hanging onto life!

Teenie Lars

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