Calling all activists: 

The city is in dire need of help with its main bell, known to some as “the Liberty Bell.” We are asking people to sign this petition to raise awareness of what appears to be a massive crack that has formed. We’re not sure if any of the city’s leaders are yet aware of the damage, or if we’re the first people to notice, so please sign here so we can let the mayor know as soon as possible. Time is of the essence with these things.

I first noticed it when I was in the line to see the bell and I can’t be sure, but I think it got bigger as I was standing there. Based on my quick analysis, it’s definitely a fresh crack so it must’ve happened within the past week or so. My theory is that a group of teens did it as a way to commit vandalism. But they weren’t too smart because they left their names engraved on the back. So if anyone knows the whereabouts of the “Pass and Stow” gang, please reach out.

When I pointed out this new crack to the staff, several of the tour guides tried to tell me the bell’s crack has been there since February of 1846, but don’t believe them because it’s obviously a lie. There’s no way the city would leave such an important national treasure in total disrepair for this long. Do you think New York City would leave the Statue of Liberty up if its beautiful copper-brown exterior turned green in the rain? Absolutely not. Philly needs to get its act together. Just the other day I saw a tattered American flag that only had 13 stars on it. The last time I checked, the flag had 48! We have an image to hold up as a country.

You know what, I just had a totally unique idea. What if instead of fixing it, we leave the crack as it is and embrace it as a symbol for American resilience. But on the other hand it kinda looks like dog shit. 

Sign today and make your voices heard! We already have 1 signature.

Russ Bizaro

The post Sign This Petition To Help The City Get Its Bell Fixed appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look what the cat dragged in. I’m surprised you’d show your sorry ass around here after what you did. I’ll have you know that while you were off doing God-knows-what, I’ve been standing on this trolley station for 26 months straight. Do you think I have time to be standing day and night in the middle of the road for over two years? I have a family that relies on me, kids that have to be taken care of. I can’t afford to be gone this long. And it’s all because of you. I’m already in hot water at work for being late a couple times. Do you want to be the one that explains to my boss why I’m 109 weeks late to my shift? If they try to fire me I’m gonna be so upset with you, it’s not even funny. 

And yeah, I probably could have hopped on one of the replacement buses, but I don’t wanna be on something that’s not connected to a track. What if they make a turn? Did you ever stop for one second to think about that? Oh, that’s right, you only think about yourself. 

Listen, I’m sorry to come down on you so hard. I only do it because I care. You’ve got so much going for yourself and I hate watching you throw it all away by being out of service all the time. Think about the smile you put on peoples’ faces when they see your cool, retro vibe. Think about how many likes I get on Instagram when I post pictures of you. Think about how much you help people that have a deep fear of riding vehicles with the ability to make turns. You’re loved so much more than you know. 

Now what do you say we put this all behind us and just enjoy this ride to my work? It’s just three blocks up here.

Russ Bizaro

The post Well Well Well, Look Who Decided To Show Up: Girard Trolleys Are Back In Service appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Russ Bizaro

The post That Should Do The Trick: Pothole Filled With Just Loose Sand appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– “This entire city is an amazing fan base for my all-time favorite band, The Eagles,” explained out-of-towner Jason Rath, after visiting Philadelphia for the first time. 

“I was at a bar and suddenly this perfectly coordinated chant about the band broke out. Finally, an entire city that shares my appreciation for the songwriting mastery of Don Henley and Glenn Frey,” explained Rath, who said he’s been trying to start chants about the band The Eagles for years in his hometown Dallas but never received much interest. 

Rath was also shocked to see so much new band memorabilia across the city. “People have bumper stickers and flags for the band on their front doors. Rock on! I must’ve missed that tour,” said Rath, pointing to a shirt that said ‘Eagles Champions 2018.’

“Strangely, the city tends to praise the band only on Sundays, probably because listening to their music makes them feel closer to God like it does for me.”

Reflecting on the chant’s lyrics, Rath stated, “The best part is when they chant about the band’s incredible singing skills with ‘Hit ‘em low notes, hit ‘em high notes.’”

“They must’ve been tired of chanting by the end of the night because no one joined in on my Hotel California chant– ‘H-O-T-E-L C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A Hotel California!’”

Russ Bizaro

The post “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” Shouts Man Thinking Everyone’s Chanting About The Band appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Shifting from least favorite friend to one of the coolest guys around, toxic friend Chase Langford is actually pretty awesome after purchasing a vacation home. “Chase has been a harmful person to have around the past couple years, but I’m finally ready to forgive and forget after he came to his senses and bought a beautiful 5 bedroom in Sea Isle City,” says friend Andrea Glassman, adding that it takes a courageous person to recognize when they’re in the wrong and splurge on a property just one block from the beach. “We were still planning to cut him out of our lives until he mentioned something about a pool, which is when we realized how Chase is such a good dude. Buying a house that’s close to the beach and comes with a pool? Chase is really making changes from within.” Glassman noted she started to see the positive change in Chase once he finally got professional help from a licensed real estate agent. “One thing that’s awesome is a bunch of his family just died this past year which means more rooms for us.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Toxic Friend Actually Pretty Cool After Purchase Of Vacation Home appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – Experts from the National Center For Children Taking All The Responsibility advised kids to do their best to avoid traumatic events on their own. “The younger you understand that it’s your responsibility – and your responsibility alone – to stay safe, the better. This is why we are trying to get this message out to all 6-month-olds,” explained spokesperson Henry Beesner, suggesting it’s easier than dealing with the hassle of years of therapy down the line.

“For example, we recommend that you don’t let your parents get divorced and, if they do, make sure it’s not your fault,” Beesner said. “Another trauma we see is children growing up in extreme poverty, which could be totally avoided if the child tries their best not to be poor.”

Beesner stressed the only positive that comes out of a difficult childhood is that the child might grow up to make some really good art.

Russ Bizaro

The post Health Experts Recommend Avoiding Extremely Traumatic Events As A Child appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

UNIVERSITY CITY, PA- Calling their findings a landmark discovery in modern physiology, a new study from the University of Pennsylvania finds belly buttons can also be called “little belly holes.” “It’s going to take some time to work out all of the logistics but we expect to start seeing doctors use the now equally correct ‘little belly holes’ in the coming months,” says Dr. Sarah Clowder, M.D., adding that they originally planned to name them “little teeny baby belly-welly soft holesy-wolesies” but it was denied on word count by Merriam Webster’s Medical Dictionary. “As discussed in the study, outies became a major point of contention for members of the science community. However, after much deliberation, we were able to come to a now-historic consensus and establish the ‘lil belly bumps’ resolution.“ At press time, Dr. Clowder revealed her research group is taking over the infamous ear renaming program ‘Big Floppy Bois.’

Russ Bizaro

The post New Study Finds Belly Buttons Can Also Be Called Little Belly Holes appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Describing a grim existence for all humans of the past, a report released Monday by the National Society of Historians confirmed the long-held theory that people living in the past were probably really stinky. “I know it’s hard to imagine since all we know is the present, but after combing through thousands of historical documents and artifacts, our team can confidently say that previous civilizations were certifiably stanky,” said University of Pennsylvania Historian Gerald Whetten, pinching his nose and muttering “pee-yew” at the thought of the smelly past. 

“I first felt the need to further research this topic after watching an episode of Outlander and seeing how sweaty everyone was after passionate love-making without air conditioning. The most surprising finding in our study is that Old Spice didn’t even exist until 1937. People must’ve been walking around with big stench marks rising from their putrid, historical bodies.” The report goes on to speculate possible ways people were able to make themselves smell clean before the invention of Axe Body Spray in 1983.  

Whetten added that he’s hopeful future generations will find ways to completely eradicate our sense of smell. 

Russ Bizaro

The post Historians Confirm People Living In The Past Probably Really Stinky appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

1. Schuylkill River
2. Delaware River

References:

• Devastation on the Delaware: Stories and Images of the Deadly Flood of 1955 (2005, Word Forge Books, Ferndale, PA) The only comprehensive documentary of this weather disaster in the Delaware River Valley.
• Leach, Josiah Granville (1902). “Commodore John Hazlewood, Commander of the Pennsylvania Navy in the Revolution”. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography, Vol. 26, No. 1 (1902), pp. 1–6 and The Historical Society of Pennsylvania. 26 (1): 1–6. JSTOR 20086007.
• McGeorge, Wallace (1905). The Battle of Red Bank, resulting in the defeat of the Hessians and the destruction of the British frigate Augusta, Oct. 22 and 23, 1777. Camden, New Jersey, Sinnickson Chew, printers.
• Leach, Josiah Granville (1902). “Commodore John Hazlewood, Commander of the Pennsylvania Navy in the Revolution”. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography, Vol. 26, No. 1 (1902), pp. 1–6 and The Historical Society of Pennsylvania. 26 (1): 1–6. JSTOR 20086007.
• Savas, Theodore (2006). Guide to the Battles of the American Revolution. Savas Beatie. ISBN 1-932714-12-X.
• Oxford Dictionary: definition of Schuylkill River (American English)
• Definition of SCHUYLKILL”. www.merriam-webster.com.
• U.S. Geological Survey. National Hydrography Dataset high-resolution flowline data. The National Map  Archived 2012-04-05 at WebCite, accessed April 1, 2011
• Donnalley, Thomas K., Hand book of tribal names of Pennsylvania, together with signification of Indian words, Philadelphia:Donnalley, (1908), p. 37
• The Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education
• Pennypacker, Samuel Whitaker, Annals of Phoenixville and Its Vicinity: From the Settlement to the Year 1871, Giving the Origin etc., Philadelphia:Bavis &Pennypacker, 1872, p.1
• Scharf, Thomas (1884). History of Philadelphia: 1609 – 1834. Philadelphia: L. H. Everts & Co. ISBN 9785883517104.
• Nickels, Thom (June 6, 2001). Manayunk. Arcadia Publishing. ISBN 9780738505114.
• Pennypacker, Samuel Whitaker (1872). Annals of Phoenixville and Its Vicinity: From the Settlement to the Year 1871. Phoenixville, PA: Bavis & Pennypacker, printers. pp. 5.

Russ Bizaro

The post A List Of All 2 Major Rivers That Flow Through Philadelphia. You Won’t Believe Number 2! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Calling their innovation “a breakthrough in modern snacking,” food scientists from Nabisco announced Monday that they are working with the manufacturers of Gushers on more realistic animal crackers. “We know what children want, and it’s authenticity,” explained Nabisco CEO Phillip Dramaton, who went on to say that children will finally be able to experience that happy feeling you get from decapitating a tiny giraffe in one bite. “This amazing snack has everything. That perfect animal shape, a delicious beige cracker taste, and a realistic explosion of animal innards in your mouth.” When asked what the new insides are made from, Dramaton replied, “The same as Gushers, real animal bits.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Animal Crackers Working With Gushers To Develop More Realistic Snack appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.