You win some… and sometimes you lose some, sometimes.

This caterpillar was just like every other caterpillar. She was eating some milkweed, doing her thing. About 14 days later it was time for her big glow up. She took her journey to find a nice cozy spot to pupate… you know someplace on a stick. After making her chrysalis it was time for a lil’ nap. ‘Bout a week later it was time for the big reveal! But oh no… oh man. This caterpillar’s transformation got kinda messed up. I don’t think the left wing is supposed to look like that. Her legs are kind of boney. And wait, she just looks like a boring old moth now. That’s kind of disappointing. Guess better luck next time!

Matt Roskin

The post This Caterpillar’s Transformation Wasn’t That Great appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Matt Roskin

The post Prove To Me You’re Not A Robot By Teaching Me How To Love appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Let’s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven’t lived there in 6 years. Your racist uncle makes some comments about how the supermarket is too liberal nowadays. You need an out. By following these simple steps you can summon the dark power of the Coor’s Light Train to make your grand escape. 

Step 1 – 72 hours in advance you need to begin ceremonial chants to summon the dark elf Trakas Quelathra, who will appear to you in a dream on the eve of the Christmas party. These chants must happen on the hour, every hour leading up to the event. To find the cursed scrolls that bear the writings you must search the cave of terrors deep in the Rocky Mountains.

Step 2 – Alas! It’s time to distract your family. Using a series of well-placed, and well-timed whoopie cushions under your great aunt’s chairs, you can successfully divert the party’s attention to the hilarious comedy ensuing.

Step 3 – Now that the plan is in place, there is only one more thing you’ll do. Summon the Coor’s Light Train. To do this, you’ll need every uncle in your party to be holding a cold refreshing Coor’s light can. Then simply prompt one uncle to say, “Wow, this beer sure is as cold as the Rocky’s.” Then, and only then will you hear the faint sound of Love Train filling the air.

Step 4 – Click-ity Clack, Click-ity Clack. She’s approaching. A chill runs up your spine as you can see your breath, faintly… The mighty, majestic Coor’s Light Train is here. As silver as a new stainless steel refrigerator. As cold as the winters of the Rocky Mountains. SCREECH. The train pulls into the family room, destroying the house. Bricks and glass fly everywhere. Your sisters, brothers, and cousins all wince at the bright shining light of the Coor’s Light Train. Your poor grandmother shivers as snow begins to fall. How did the snow get into the living room? There’s no time for questions.  “ALL ABOARD,” shouts the conductor. You step on. You clear the closing doors as it whisks you away. Go find your seat amongst the other evil sons and daughters who have fled their christmas parties. Your grand escape, complete, but your nightmare, just begun.

Matt Roskin

The post How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor’s Light Train appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Matt Roskin

The post Heartwarming! This Childhood Bully Reconnected With My Fist appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

DAYTON, OH– Prime Rib is an American delicacy, but not when you’re shitting your pants.

In a new promotion, Amazon sold discounted Prime Rib on their website. Local health officials announced as of Tuesday there were 2,853 recorded cases of E. Coli in the region. The FDA’s investigation found that the Prime Rib was left in a sweltering warehouse in Arizona for two weeks in preparation for Amazon Prime Rib Day, before this batch made its way on a truck to the Ohio Valley. FDA officials recommend that you do not eat steak that’s being sold for $2.99/lb.

Jeff Bezos released a statement this afternoon saying, “We promise our products are of the utmost quality. Every member of our Amazon Warehouse Team ate that Prime Rib and only 15% of workers reported feeling ill, fever, or vomiting, far below the regulatory 15.5% threshold. You can trust our meat.” 

Shockingly this has not affected Amazon’s surging stock price, as the market rewarded these brave shareholders for poisoning America. In a survey, the Amazon Prime customers who got sick reported they were satisfied with such a great deal on beef.

Matt Roskin

The post Thousands Sick From E. Coli Outbreak After Amazon Prime Rib Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Can this man catch a break? 

Todd Cruz (34) from Seattle, WA has had a tough go of late. Todd used to have an awesome name. The kids all called him “Tom Cruise” back in elementary school. He was the king of the goddamn playground. Kids those days really ignored all that scientology stuff too, I guess it didn’t matter to a bunch of children.

But now things are different. When a barista yells out, “One oat milk latte for Todd Cruz,” instead of images of the dashing movie star, they think of the grotesque U.S. Senator Ted Cruz. Todd told the Satirer, “I’m just a normal guy. I work in marketing at a small firm here in Seattle. I haven’t even been to Texas. But anytime I go to a Chipotle, the employees spit in my food. The other customers heard my name and spit on me as well. I’ve also been receiving hate mail for the last couple years, but it’s really picked up. I even got one from my mom. She told me to ‘get bent you fat piece of human feces.’ That one stung the most.”

The only nice part of this big misunderstanding is Todd Cruz got an automatic upgrade to first class on his flight to Cancun.

Matt Roskin

The post Heartbreaking: This Man’s Name Is Todd Cruz appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Our once great nation is under attack. 

This week it’s been reported that Joe Biden’s cabinet has failed to open a PowerPoint presentation with highly-classified information left by the previous administration for dealing with foriegn cyber attacks. 

The cabinet has spent hour after hour, day after day trying to get the file to open. Everytime they double click on the file, it just kind of freezes the computer for a few minutes, then tells them that their file is not supported on Windows Vista and that they will need to update their operating system.

Could this have been an attack from a foreign agent? Did Russia plant a spy to slow down the one 2008 Thinkpad laptop that the whole cabinet shares? 

The U.S. Director of Cybersecurity was flown in via military helicopter late last night to advise the Cabinet to try, “turning the laptop off, then back on again.” When that didn’t work, Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigeg drove over an ethernet cord to try connecting to the internet through the wall, but still no luck on opening this very important PowerPoint presentation.

Our best hope is that Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen’s grandson Joshua can help out the struggling Executive branch of our United States Government.

Matt Roskin

The post National Security Under Attack: Joe Biden’s Cabinet Is Struggling To Open Up Microsoft PowerPoint appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Vaccines are HOT! HOT! HOT!

It’s the one thing EVERYONE is talking about. We can’t get enough of vaccines this year, so we are here to give you the inside scoop on the most anticipated vaccines coming out in 2021. 

MMR Vaccine – We just can’t wait to get our hands on 2021’s MMR vaccine!! At their press briefing on Tuesday, Merck and EA Sports announced the drop of the brand new vaccine coming this February. It has all the great features of 2020’s measles vaccine, like protection against measles, mumps, and rubella with a 97% effective rate after two doses. But it also includes a new ultimate expansion pack where you can unlock cool giveaways and prizes. Log onto the Merck online store and you can claim your prize after your second dose of the vaccine.

Tetanus Shot – You know what’s NOT rusty, Adacel’s commitment to a fuego vaccine for you! With Adacel’s secret formula combined with the towing power of the all new 2021 Ford-150, you will be safe and sound from a tetanus infection this year. You may be eligible for a FREE six months of Sirius XM radio if you sign up for a 24 month contract, eligible in the rust belt states. 

Mad Cow Disease – If your cows are going mad with Mad Cow Disease, then listen up… Johnson & Johnson teamed up with Fandango to bring you the all new 2021 Mad Cow Disease vaccine. Just four easy doses (one for each stomach) and your cattle will be protected from this awful disease. And that’s not all! It also includes a $15 voucher for a movie, or refreshment, at your local movie theater (see terms and conditions on their website for valid movies, unlimited popcorn does not apply).

There is plenty to look forward to in 2021 when it comes to vaccines. Just because the COVID-19 vaccine is getting all the media hype doesn’t mean it’s your only option, don’t forget about the classics! 

Matt Roskin

The post Here Are 2021’s Hottest Vaccines! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look at this, a wonderful photo from the classic film, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964). Here he is hanging out with Santa Claus looking like a couple of cool cats. I should probably ask Jake about the file, since he was the one helping me out with the list. I think we had A Christmas Story up there at #2 right after this one. It had to be number two, right? I mean it’s hilarious and a classic. 

Look at that cutie! Didn’t you wish you had a Rudolph stuffed animal when you were a child? Wait, did I mean A Christmas Carol. I always get A Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story mixed up. A Christmas Carol has the ghosts, right? Jake tried explaining the difference to me and I immediately zoned out. I know they have completely different plots, but how can you have “A Christmas” in both titles and not run into those issues with branding?

Was Frosty the Snowman up there too? Honestly can’t remember now. Who even had the file on their computer? Was it Jake? Oh I bet it was Jake. Jake you big dumb idiot why didn’t you back it up to the Google drive? “Oh it’ll be fine, I’ll just carry it home on my flash drive,” said big idiot Jake. Well guess what Jake, you did that with Lisa and Mark’s wedding photos from last year and guess what, you lost THOSE TOO. Fucking idiot you are Jake. You know what, you don’t get to choose lunch on Wednesday.

Here is a nice photo of a reindeer playing in the snow. His name could be Rudolph, but probably not. Look, not gonna lie, this is the biggest fuck-up we’ve had since we lost that sticky note that had the nuclear launch codes. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year I guess. 

Oh wait… this is so embarrassing… sorry Jake… I found it in my jacket pocket. Turns out A Very Tony Soprano Christmas was #1, who would have guessed it!

Matt Roskin

The post We Ranked All The Best Christmas Movies, But The File Got Deleted, So Here’s A Few Pictures Of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Because We Think That Was #1 appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

If you thought shampoo technology couldn’t get any better then buckle in. Old Spice has just launched their new 9-in-1 Shampoo. Take a look at all of its cool new features! 

Face Wash

Get those pores nice and clean!

Body Wash

Now you won’t get confused in the shower! Just squirt that stuff on your body and get scrubbing!

Shampoo/Conditioner

Hey, these are the same thing anyway right! Just lather that into your head for a luscious mane fit for a King or Queen! 

Dish Soap

Get those dirty dishes scrubbed up and looking clean! And it even works on ducks in oil spills! 

Laundry Detergent

No time to waste here! Get that dirty laundry into the washing machine with a couple cups of this 9-in-1 shampoo and you’ll have fresh smelling clothes in no time!

Sacramental Wine

If you’re a priest in a pinch don’t fret. Old Spice has got you. Just grab your 9-in-1 shampoo and pour it up for Sunday Mass! And if you’re Jewish it is also Kosher certified for Friday Night Shabbat.

Sourdough Bread Starter

Want the delicious taste of warm, crusty sourdough bread, but don’t have a sourdough starter? It’s all good because your new Old Spice 9-in-1 Shampoo acts as a leavening agent for your favorite sourdough bread recipe! 

Easy Weekday Marinara Sauce

No time for Sunday Gravy? Just add a little Old Spice to your pasta for a quick and easy weekday meal. 

It’s never been easier to combine all your daily tasks with just one liquid. No need for multiple pesky bottles cluttering the house because with Old Spice’s New 9-in-1 Shampoo, you can do it all!

Matt Roskin

The post Old Spice Releases New 9-in-1 Shampoo! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.