NEW YORK– Unwinding from their recent trials and tribulations and nothing more, a pair of movie characters, Jason Knox and Hamish Batie, were playing a game of chess for their own personal pleasure that did not serve as a microcosm of the main narrative conflict. “I’m really glad we could find some time to relax and do something wholly unrelated to everything we’ve been going through recently,” said Batie as he captured one of Knox’s last remaining pieces, which is in no way reflective of the current state of affairs of some broader struggle. “Also, just to clarify, I didn’t choose Black because it symbolizes which side of the moral dichotomy of good and evil I’m on but rather because I just so happen to prefer playing as Black.” At press time, Knox and Batie had gotten into a heated argument for the sole purpose of hashing some stuff out and not to signify the second act break.

Jeff Braun

The post Chess Game In Movie Not Microcosm Of Main Narrative Conflict, Characters Just Playing Chess Because It’s Fun appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

BAKERSFIELD, CA– Promising an unconventional experience with undertones of anarchy, Wham-O’s complete disregard for grammatical conventions in their “Slip ‘N Slide: Tons ‘O Fun” branding foreshadows what wacky, anti-establishment fun is to be had. “If my kids only experience a tenth of the debauchery suggested by this Slip ‘N Slide’s total perversion of the english language, then it will have been a $49.99 well spent,” said 42-year-old father of three Deacon Mantz, loading his recent purchase into his car with an impish grin. “I know not the particulars of what hedonistic and barbaric indulgences this Slip ‘N Slide will facilitate, but I do know that they won’t be confined to the covenant of the written word.” At press time, Mantz had exchanged his Slip ‘N Slide for a glow in the dark Hula Hoop whose irreverence for the visual limitations of the nighttime imply it may hold the key to immortality.

Jeff Braun

The post Use Of Conjunctional Slang In Slip ’N Slide Branding Foreshadows Wacky, Anti-Establishment Fun To Be Had appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Drastically overestimating the strength of his relationship with friend Vihaan Agarwal, sources confirmed Thursday that Fishtown resident Nathan Parks had way overplayed his hand by sending a link to a twenty three minute long YouTube video. “I saw this video the other day and thought it might be up your alley,” Parks wrote in his message, oblivious to how undeserving he is of a mere three minutes of Agarwal’s spare time, let alone twenty three. “Let me know when you finish the video, I’ll pass along an article that goes along with it. If you’re not too busy tomorrow would love to discuss.” At press time, Parks had facetimed Agarwal twice to no response.

Jeff Braun

The post Friend Way Overplays Hand By Sending Link To Twenty Three Minute Long YouTube Video appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– In a sudden and drastic change to his wardrobe, local man Stuart Mason has reportedly purchased a pair of no-show socks to bypass the excruciating visual reminder that he’s wearing socks. “For years, I’ve been plagued by my paradoxical desire to not only wear socks but also have no ostensible evidence of my sock wearing,” said an exalted Mason, caressing his now clearly visible upper ankles. “I’ve already burned my entire supply of low-cut socks; no-show socks have saved me from the labyrinthine hell that is my mind.” At press time, reports confirmed that Mason was eagerly awaiting his shipment of flesh-colored gloves.

Jeff Braun

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SIOUX FALLS, SD– Expressing gratitude for health care workers who were not so quick to the draw when the pandemic started, the entire U.S. populace reportedly thanked all second responders, who would’ve been there sooner but they had a thing. “It’s important we recognize those who, without a moment’s hesitation, sprung into action after they did that thing they’ve been meaning to do for a while but hadn’t found a good time for it until now,” said 37-year-old Milwaukee resident Henry Becker, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who are celebrating health care personnel who eventually got around to helping out. “We are all truly grateful for all of the frontline workers whose first response to the largest public health crisis of our lifetime was to grab their keys, drive to the hospital, and march right into the ICU to ask their supervisor for an additional two weeks off since that thing they had to do was taking longer than expected. There is nothing more heroic than prioritizing the health and safety of others above all else bar whatever you have going on.” At press time, no second responders were available for comment as they all cited a nondescript family emergency.

Jeff Braun

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