I first encountered Irish Potatoes when my grandmamma brought me a mysterious box of treats on St. Patrick’s Day. I thought this time she’s clearly lost it, she should be put in a home, this lady brought a child a box of raw potatoes. But I humored her and took a bite, and to my surprise, it was not a potato at all but a cinnamon-covered coconut-ty monstrosity. Grandmamma was sent away not long after but I still wondered where these sugary turds came from and went deep into the archives.

During the Great Potato Famine of 1845, the resourceful people of Ireland had to come up with a new food that looked like potatoes, as that was the only thing their children would eat. Running low on root vegetables, they looked toward the trees—coconut trees, that is. Using their ingenuity, they figured they could mix the meat of the coconut with cream cheese, roll it around in cinnamon, and pawn it off to their kids as the real thing so that they wouldn’t starve. The dummies fell for it and survived long enough to get out of there.

Soon after, the first batch of Irish immigrants would arrive in Philly, bringing along their substitute potatoes in case they weren’t available here either. Unfortunately, they found America to be bountiful in actual potatoes and had to leave the tropical flavors of Ireland behind.

Then in the 1960’s, father of three, Ryan O’Brien found a long-lost family recipe and decided to prank his spiteful kids into thinking they were eating potatoes. However, his plan backfired when his kids welcomed the betrayal, saying they knew it would happen sooner or later. Out of this deception, a company was born, producing what’s now known as Irish Potatoes and the destruction of children’s trust everywhere in the Greater Philadelphia area.

As my grandmamma rots away in the best assisted living facility she deserves, I can’t help but thank her for introducing me to the first of many disappointing meals on which I have built my career. Irish Potatoes can be found and immediately disposed of in Wegmans or anywhere foods that look like other foods are sold.

Irem Boz

The post An Oral History Of Irish Potatoes By Tummy Grumbles appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

10. Out back in the alley by the dumpsters, Lady and the Tramp-style.

9. On the sidewalk that’s barely wide enough for a couple of slow-walkers side by side.

8. In the PPA garage next door. Hourly fees apply.

7. The “extended patio area” which is just a roped-off section of the street with the added excitement of cars narrowly avoiding your table while making wide turns.

6. On the back of the flatbed truck delivering the produce that’s still parked in a No Loading Zone.

5. On the flat tar roof that is now soft and bouncy from the heat. The views will be unobstructed as there are no railings in your way!

4. On the median on Washington Ave. Snag a spot before it’s used up for parking.

3. The vacant lot down the street where all those feral cats live. Don’t worry, they seem nice.

2. A romantic drift on the 100-ton barge slowly floating down the Schuylkill River.

1. In the safety of your own home where you can still support restaurants through take-out or delivery.

Irem Boz

The post Philly’s Creative New Outdoor Dining Spots – Ranked! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.